ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST

I have recently been selected as the PPC for a Parliamentary seat which is rather exciting but one unfortunate consequence is that I will need to be a bit more circumspect in my streams of consciousness. I have therefore gone through the painful process of removing 99% of this blog and sadly I need to call time on the whole thing. It will therefore be deleted in a few days.

I have had a regular band of readers, critics and commenters and I thank you for your attention and interest, even your insults. It has been an immensely enjoyable exchange for my part and I hope you have derived some pleasure from my ravings.

Like the Scarlet Pimpernel removing his mask I would invite you to check out my new blog at www.andycrick.org.uk where I hope to provide some commentary on the coming campaign. I can't promise the same levels of invective or general frivolity but you are welcome notwithstanding.

TIRED POLITICAL COMEDY WINS YET MORE AWARDS

"And the 'More Front Than Blackpool' award goes to [opens envelope] David Cameron! Dave wins this award for attempting to deflect responsibility for the expenses scandal away from the party that invented modern sleaze to the late challengers, New Labour. Dave has rightly pointed to the rank stench of the Labour Party but sadly he was unable to hide the odour of the rotting pile of limbs and fading grandees covered in a dusting of earth beneath the hastily erected green-tinged patio that is the modern Conservative Party.

[Presenter puts his hand to his ear] "Well, sadly David can't be here to accept the award as he is tied up with clearing out the Tories' own Augean Stables. He said [chuckles] that if he sees another duck house or has to account for another moat cleaning bill for one of his MPs [audience laughter] he will go crazy [applause]. So here to accept the award on his behalf is Lord Ashcroft! [Applause]. [Presenter puts hand to ear once more] No, No, Ladies and Gentlemen, sadly Lord Ashcroft isn't able to make it either as he is apparently stuck on important business in Belize. He says he will return to the UK soon but he can't say precisely when. He has asked us all to bend over and relax while he suns himself in the Caribbean [Audience laughter and applause]. What a guy! He has sent us a cheque which he says he hopes will cover the cost of the award, although he wants to be sure there will be no European winners! [Applause]. What a guy!

"So we'll just hold on to that award until someone is able to collect it. Now the 'Black is White' award for the best reverse ferret of the year. And the nominees are Gordon Brown for his conversion to electoral reform and David Cameron for, well, the Conservative Party. And the winner is..."[for reasons of taste we shall leave it here]

PUBLISH AND BE DAMNED

I tend not to give much credence to Simon Carr of the Independent as he is a bit too chatty and 'clever, clever' but his piece today on the ability of politicians to work around any set of rules and procedures was interesting for his very simple conclusion, which is not new but it is sensible and bears repeating.

Quite simply all MPs' and Lords' expenses claims should be published on the internet for everyone to see. This will perform the simple function of shining a light on them and making it clear that the more ludicrous expenses, such as Gerald Kaufman's claim for a £255 pen, will not wash with Victor and Vanessa Voter. Every constituency will inevitably have a busybody or two who will be very happy to go through all the claims made and highlight any which are as daft as this one.

Its obvious and simple but will it happen? ........My apologies, I was briefly distracted there by the sight of a pair of Gloucester Old Spot pigs swooping and soaring majestically past my window as they perform their Spring mating ritual.

TORIES 'DON'T QUITE TELL THE TRUTH' ON CRIME STATISTICS

I could never baldly accuse them of lying, you understand...Does it get better than this? Our wannabee ruling party can't quite understand government statistics so it appears to have decided to tell a story instead. The approach of the Tories appears to be to scare us all in our beds, when the actual situation, based on boring old evidence collected by boring old statisticians, appears to be that crime does appear to have gone down in many areas. The Tory spokesman, one Chris Grayling, even criticised the widely respected British Crime Survey as being unreliable, when pretty much everyone else accepts that, anecdotal though it is, the BCS provides an excellent 'snapshot' of the real situation around the country, rather than the obviously flawed Police statistics. I should note here that I do not seek to criticise the police statistics but they will always only record the tip of the iceberg since much crime simply isn't recorded, whereas the BCS asks what people's actual experience has been.

Rather nicely, the civil servant responsible for all things statistical, Sir Michael Scholar, chairman of the UK Statistics Authority, has taken very public - and very strident - issue with the Tory press release since it has welded together two distinct sets of statistics which do not correlate. This is pretty much an 'O level' error from our putative ruling elite. This party is simply not fit to run the country.

Rather nicely, it appears that the good old electorate is waking up to the nightmare. I have always had confidence in the Great British Public to see the light. As we say at Oxford United: 'Come on you Yellows!'

COALESCE IS MORE

Beautiful words in an excellent article by Steve Richards today as he discusses what is becoming the best opportunity for the LDs for decades to make a substantial advance. He describes the Tories thus:

Cameron's policies are finally coming under a degree of scrutiny: the rootless, focus group driven oscillations in relation to their plans for "tax and spend"; the unreformed Euroscepticism; and the wider contradictory objectives. Suddenly the unquestioned common assumption that Cameron has moved his party on to the centre ground is being questioned a little. Or at least there is recognition that this untested, inexperienced political leader moves his party to the centre and then back to the right on a regular basis.

...which is just lovely.

He also speaks of New Labour's 'crusading timidity' which is about as perfect an epitaph as you could wish for.

But the best statement comes right at the end as he discusses the hoops our leader would have to go through to achieve a formal coalition: he must get the agreement of his MPS, the Executive and the Membership. He says this would take months and that no Prime Minister would be likely to wait around. He therefore concludes that there will be no coalition.

These words are like honey to me. No formal coalition is as good a battle cry as I can imagine for the current campaign. If Nickers chooses to offer informal support for a government that's fine by me but entering into the Cabinet would be the death knell for the LDs.

HERE'S TO HENRY VIII ONCE AGAIN!

So, the Pope wants to revive an age old tradition and interfere in British politics. Amusingly, the response to him is the same as the response to muslim terrorists, American fundamentalists and indeed any nay-sayers either in Britain or abroad who spend their lives doing down our system or threatening it in a variety of ways: if you don't like our freedom, butt out and leave us to enjoy it. If you want to enjoy it and live and let live, you're very welcome.

Perhaps 'His Holiness' will revise his future travel plans and leave Britain off his itinerary. He might choose instead to go to Iran where religion gets in the way of all freedoms. He'd probably like it there.

THE WORKING CLASS CAN KISS MY A***, I'VE GOT A LABOUR SEAT AT LAST

Last night's 'Tower Block of Commons' on Channel 4 was highly illuminating. Not only did it show Mark Oatcakes in a good light for once as some one willing to meet and engage with people in all circumstances, it also made the deck-shoed Tory shadow minister (posh name, anonymous face) look equally positive as a role model for politicians. Ian Duncan-Smith started badly, patronising his host unbelievably ("You know Big Ben? Well the building below is where I work...") and then had to leave due to his wife's illness. Fair enough.

But plaudits for sheer front and ghastliness go to Old Labour lag Austin Mitchell. Mitchell, the finest Labour could offer to this interesting social experiment, was quite simply a snob. This horny handed son of toil with his authentic northern accent refused to live with a council tenant as the programme had planned, insisted his partner came along with him to help him to patronise the people he met (when she is down she doesn't reach for a drug of choice but a nice New Zealand Chardonnay, apparently. What larks!) and then went to a friend's house for a sumptuous meal to avoid the indignity of having to eat the kind of food fit for his constituents. During the day he went with the woman he deigned to share a tower block with - being given his own flat to avoid having to mix with 'common' people - to get her methodone fix for the day. His response was quite Panglossian: he simply went into denial in front of the cameras and wittered about getting the daily papers.

I hope Mitchell is standing down in May because if he isn't those traditional Labour voters might choose to give their view on this hideous man's approach to them. But then, that's the trouble with labour voters: not only would they vote for a donkey if it had a red rosette on, it seems they will even vote for someone who has clambered up the greasy pole and is now busy kicking out violently at those seeking to follow him.

Great programme, as much for what it said of the three parties and how little the big two have changed as what it said about the often atrocious conditions people still have to live in across the country. The Tory was astonishingly posh but very affable and approachable, Oatcakes was the image of the good LD activist and Mitchell was a selfish, small-minded 'socialist' of the old school. Quite what the legacy of New Labour, suburban John Major and Grocer's daughter Margaret Thatcher has been in terms of changing the fundamentals of our society is put into sharp focus when programmes like this are aired. The best thing is that we are on the side of the angels, which is not a phrase I would readily have attached to Oatcakes beforehand.

To end on a positive note, by far the best performance came from a delightful little girl who came up to the camera during a walkabout and made the most lucid and sensible points about problems around the area, including drugs and regular assaults. Her comments were followed by images of kids being kids, which always inspires confidence for the future. Perhaps this little girl should be sent to Parliament instead of Mitchell as she at least inhabits the real world.

Image to end on: MPs concluding a particularly fiery and divisive debate to go and sit on a load of cushions at the end of the chamber to drink their milk and have some quiet time. We can dream...