Just listening to the new I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue and the excellent Rob Brydon has completely nailed it. He's got just the right tone and he sounds like the lines written for him were, er, written for him.
Credit to Stephen Fry and Jack Dee but this gig is Rob's.
Monday, 13 July 2009
Friday, 10 July 2009
LET'S HAVE A GO AT TOUCHCLOTH
Why is Torchwood such pants? Dr Who is absurd and overblown but somehow you can suspend disbelief and just enjoy it - most of the time. Daleks towing planets around the universe just didn’t cut it for me. Daleks in general are just daft – always have been and always will be.
Torchwood by contrast is more rooted in normality being based in Cardiff but it somehow never manages to traverse the credibility gap which the best sci-fi does to make it plausible. The things they have at their disposal all work – and brilliantly. Why doesn’t the super computer need rebooting every episode? How could this government department have survived the general government cuts of the past three decades? Where is the man from ‘ofTorch’ who should be in every week to check on their performance standards and advising them of another 5% cut to the budget for 2010?
Admittedly I could watch Eve Myles (Gwen Cooper) undulating around deliciously for most of the hour unencumbered by any storyline but that’s not quite enough for a good programme. The problem for me is John ‘two expressions’ Barrowman, the man who makes Roger Moore look deep. He’s either jolly, flirty and ready for sex or he’s broody, serious and hiding some terrible secret from his past. What an actor! And his ‘relationship’ with Ianto just doesn’t work at all. I always struggle with any smoochy stuff because it tends to be unnecessary but the amount of kissing they indulge in smacks of someone in the production team’s personal fantasy rather than any serious attempt at depth. The first series was punctuated by as much gratuitous foreplay between the good looking cast as they could shoehorn in but you would have hoped things would have improved. I am an old fuddy duddy when it comes to such matters as it seldom helps any sensible plot to see the characters sharing fluids.
I’ll certainly be tuning in this evening to see how things pan out (will the guys save the world with just a hint of darkness underlying the victory? Will the evil Prime Minister get his comeuppance? Will the gorgeous PA, Lois, be the key to the problem? Will we end on Captain Jack looking meaningful even as they celebrate?) but I’ll probably be surfing the web throughout or sorting out my ornamental shell collection at the same time, whereas I’d be glued to David Tennant’s more complex ‘simplistic hero for our time’ as he simply puts it across better. Whether the New Romantic new boy manages the same feat in the TARDIS remains to be seen.
Hey ho, maybe I’m just growing up but it would have been nice if a little less time had been spent on the bells and whistles in Torchwood and a little more time devoted to characters and plots.
Torchwood by contrast is more rooted in normality being based in Cardiff but it somehow never manages to traverse the credibility gap which the best sci-fi does to make it plausible. The things they have at their disposal all work – and brilliantly. Why doesn’t the super computer need rebooting every episode? How could this government department have survived the general government cuts of the past three decades? Where is the man from ‘ofTorch’ who should be in every week to check on their performance standards and advising them of another 5% cut to the budget for 2010?
Admittedly I could watch Eve Myles (Gwen Cooper) undulating around deliciously for most of the hour unencumbered by any storyline but that’s not quite enough for a good programme. The problem for me is John ‘two expressions’ Barrowman, the man who makes Roger Moore look deep. He’s either jolly, flirty and ready for sex or he’s broody, serious and hiding some terrible secret from his past. What an actor! And his ‘relationship’ with Ianto just doesn’t work at all. I always struggle with any smoochy stuff because it tends to be unnecessary but the amount of kissing they indulge in smacks of someone in the production team’s personal fantasy rather than any serious attempt at depth. The first series was punctuated by as much gratuitous foreplay between the good looking cast as they could shoehorn in but you would have hoped things would have improved. I am an old fuddy duddy when it comes to such matters as it seldom helps any sensible plot to see the characters sharing fluids.
I’ll certainly be tuning in this evening to see how things pan out (will the guys save the world with just a hint of darkness underlying the victory? Will the evil Prime Minister get his comeuppance? Will the gorgeous PA, Lois, be the key to the problem? Will we end on Captain Jack looking meaningful even as they celebrate?) but I’ll probably be surfing the web throughout or sorting out my ornamental shell collection at the same time, whereas I’d be glued to David Tennant’s more complex ‘simplistic hero for our time’ as he simply puts it across better. Whether the New Romantic new boy manages the same feat in the TARDIS remains to be seen.
Hey ho, maybe I’m just growing up but it would have been nice if a little less time had been spent on the bells and whistles in Torchwood and a little more time devoted to characters and plots.
A PAEAN TO INTEGRATED TRANSPORT
I got the train to work today. I went out of my house in a medium-sized Cotswold village, walked 200 yards and got on a bus to the station. At the station I bought a coffee from the politest man I have met all year – essentially Jean-Luc Picard without the underlying grumpiness – then two minutes later the train arrived. I got a seat and spent ten minutes sitting next to a pleasant man from Wales (one of those exquisite accents which sounds like waves crashing on the shore) while we both read our respective newsprint. I got off at Oxford and crossed the road to my office. In this I accept I am lucky, although the downside is that I open my window at my peril since every bus in Oxford seems to pass underneath. I am unhurried, not at all stressed and generally happy with the world.
Now there are many aspects of this journey to ‘unpack’, to paraphrase a previous colleague of mine. Firstly, I accept that this journey is not the norm for commuters. I am bl**dy lucky to have such connections available. Second I also accept that having the bus in my village is a positive boon and all thanks to the Council Tax payers of Oxfordshire who are annually asked to subsidise a series of buses to link up rural communities. Without these buses many villages would wither, although it must be said that the service is not brilliantly used. Thirdly, it is an expensive option. Putting aside the usual wear and tear argument for my car, it costs me around £4 to drive to Oxford, park and cycle. The journey today – excluding coffee – cost me £9, although it would be reduced if I was a regular commuter.
So there are serious limitations with the whole ‘public transport good-private cars bad’ argument. However, what my experience demonstrates to me is the principle that a well-managed (!) public transport system could do a huge amount to reduce traffic, reduce pollution, cut stress and generally improve our social and climatic environment.
Those who argue for cars over everything else have a point. Cars are brilliant, liberating and an unequivocal boon for the economy and social mobility, allowing people to live in decent housing and still work long distances away. The green movement must address this fundamental freedom to ‘move’ in its prescriptions for our future [Green Party policy on this used to be hilarious, effectively introducing Soviet-style internal passports]. Do we have a class of people who can afford to pay increased taxes and costs for motor vehicles, leaving everyone else to rediscover the joys of shovelling horseshit? The current impetus to develop greener cars and cars which use different fuels is very welcome and demonstrates to me that the whole environmental thing doesn’t have to be about sackcloth and ashes but innovation, new industries and economic development, which is where our future King got it so utterly wrong yesterday. Development is not bad: it has freed billions from poverty and given people unimaginable opportunities.
Whatever the future holds, there must be investment in a better transport system, which is seen not as the enemy of cars or their successors but as a complement to them. My journey today may not have been typical of that endured by many commuters but it does not always have to be that way.
I shall stop now as I might burst into inspirational, sub-Gospel song about the benefits of public transport…but the final thought must be for the man who sold me the coffee at Charlbury Station, who is a credit to his trade and puts every wannabe actor working in Starbucks to shame for his service, pleasant demeanour and – crucially – for the fact that his coffee actually tasted nice.
Now there are many aspects of this journey to ‘unpack’, to paraphrase a previous colleague of mine. Firstly, I accept that this journey is not the norm for commuters. I am bl**dy lucky to have such connections available. Second I also accept that having the bus in my village is a positive boon and all thanks to the Council Tax payers of Oxfordshire who are annually asked to subsidise a series of buses to link up rural communities. Without these buses many villages would wither, although it must be said that the service is not brilliantly used. Thirdly, it is an expensive option. Putting aside the usual wear and tear argument for my car, it costs me around £4 to drive to Oxford, park and cycle. The journey today – excluding coffee – cost me £9, although it would be reduced if I was a regular commuter.
So there are serious limitations with the whole ‘public transport good-private cars bad’ argument. However, what my experience demonstrates to me is the principle that a well-managed (!) public transport system could do a huge amount to reduce traffic, reduce pollution, cut stress and generally improve our social and climatic environment.
Those who argue for cars over everything else have a point. Cars are brilliant, liberating and an unequivocal boon for the economy and social mobility, allowing people to live in decent housing and still work long distances away. The green movement must address this fundamental freedom to ‘move’ in its prescriptions for our future [Green Party policy on this used to be hilarious, effectively introducing Soviet-style internal passports]. Do we have a class of people who can afford to pay increased taxes and costs for motor vehicles, leaving everyone else to rediscover the joys of shovelling horseshit? The current impetus to develop greener cars and cars which use different fuels is very welcome and demonstrates to me that the whole environmental thing doesn’t have to be about sackcloth and ashes but innovation, new industries and economic development, which is where our future King got it so utterly wrong yesterday. Development is not bad: it has freed billions from poverty and given people unimaginable opportunities.
Whatever the future holds, there must be investment in a better transport system, which is seen not as the enemy of cars or their successors but as a complement to them. My journey today may not have been typical of that endured by many commuters but it does not always have to be that way.
I shall stop now as I might burst into inspirational, sub-Gospel song about the benefits of public transport…but the final thought must be for the man who sold me the coffee at Charlbury Station, who is a credit to his trade and puts every wannabe actor working in Starbucks to shame for his service, pleasant demeanour and – crucially – for the fact that his coffee actually tasted nice.
Thursday, 9 July 2009
GREENWASH, WHAT A ROYAL MESS
So Prince Charles tells us we have just 96 months to save the world from environmental disaster. What utter, unashamed tosh.
Seriously, how dare a man with a staff of dozens who drives around in huge cars - with several following him - who jets around the globe constantly and who does all of this on expenses paid by you and me lecture us about the environment.
He also said that economic success comes at an environmental cost which cannot continue. Nonsense.
This is the crux of the Tory vs. Liberal debate which has raged for decades. We can either fear for the future and retrench to a few mud huts - no doubt with Georgian gob-ons to avoid any modernism at all, or we can face up to the issue of environmental change, address it and in the process keep our economy humming along quite nicely. The people fitting solar panels, building wind turbines, designing new cars and better houses don't fear for the future, they're probably planning how to spend the profits from their businesses and in the process they will encourage others to jump onto the bandwagon and their money will start washing around the economy, providing more stimulus for growth and the development of the 'green' economy.
Here's a thought: why not send all the environmental whingers to Alaska now to start planning, while the rest of us get on with what people have been doing for thousands of years - dealing with stuff which comes along and making the best of it.
I'm all for environmental improvements and I try to live a green life but people aren't going to be scared into changing. They must be encouraged to see that it is in their interests and can improve their lives.
Seriously, how dare a man with a staff of dozens who drives around in huge cars - with several following him - who jets around the globe constantly and who does all of this on expenses paid by you and me lecture us about the environment.
He also said that economic success comes at an environmental cost which cannot continue. Nonsense.
This is the crux of the Tory vs. Liberal debate which has raged for decades. We can either fear for the future and retrench to a few mud huts - no doubt with Georgian gob-ons to avoid any modernism at all, or we can face up to the issue of environmental change, address it and in the process keep our economy humming along quite nicely. The people fitting solar panels, building wind turbines, designing new cars and better houses don't fear for the future, they're probably planning how to spend the profits from their businesses and in the process they will encourage others to jump onto the bandwagon and their money will start washing around the economy, providing more stimulus for growth and the development of the 'green' economy.
Here's a thought: why not send all the environmental whingers to Alaska now to start planning, while the rest of us get on with what people have been doing for thousands of years - dealing with stuff which comes along and making the best of it.
I'm all for environmental improvements and I try to live a green life but people aren't going to be scared into changing. They must be encouraged to see that it is in their interests and can improve their lives.
Wednesday, 8 July 2009
CRICKET? OR COBBLERS...?
This from the BBC website covering the Ashes match:
'Short from Siddle and Strauss is onto it in a flash, swinging the bustling Tasmanian away for four. One more for Strauss, who moves to 23 with a nibble off his pads. You could have poured that shot into a little black dress and it wouldn't have looked out of place on the catwalks of Milan. What a doozy of a day up in Cardiff, it really is pretty as a picture.'
This is unintelligible nonsense. What on earth is this person on about and are they really commentating on the cricket or simply indulging in a frenzy of euphemism for their own selfish pleasure.
It's gonna be a long, hot summer...
UPDATE: someone else has had a moan and it has been posted on the BBC site so it seems our cricket blogger is annoying everyone.
'Short from Siddle and Strauss is onto it in a flash, swinging the bustling Tasmanian away for four. One more for Strauss, who moves to 23 with a nibble off his pads. You could have poured that shot into a little black dress and it wouldn't have looked out of place on the catwalks of Milan. What a doozy of a day up in Cardiff, it really is pretty as a picture.'
This is unintelligible nonsense. What on earth is this person on about and are they really commentating on the cricket or simply indulging in a frenzy of euphemism for their own selfish pleasure.
It's gonna be a long, hot summer...
UPDATE: someone else has had a moan and it has been posted on the BBC site so it seems our cricket blogger is annoying everyone.
NO FEES FOR UNIVERSITY PLEASE
Hmm, here’s a worthy LD press release but it gives me cause for reflection:
‘No fee degrees’ put money before student choice - Williams
'Commenting on Government proposals for ‘no fee degrees’, Liberal Democrat Shadow Universities Secretary, Stephen Williams said:
'“This is just a money saving measure for the Government dressed up as a proposal to help students. By abolishing fees for people who are able to stay at home ministers are letting what people can afford affect what they study. People should be able to study the subject they want where they want regardless of how well off they are. If the Government truly wanted to make sure it is not just the wealthy who are able to get the education they want, it would scrap tuition fees altogether.”'
I went away to university and had a fab time. I spent three years drinking too much, studying too little and generally being a drain on society. However, I think I came away a better person, although my subsequent career has not exactly hit the high spots I had envisaged. I have nevertheless enjoyed myself and I can recognise numerous benefits of my time freezing in the delightful city of Stoke-on-Trent. (Oh yes, I went to a top university!)
My first reading of the government’s announcement that students would not pay fees if they agreed not to claim other costs or take out loans led me to conclude that this was a good idea. Fees are an abomination and the thought of leaving university with upwards of £20,000 of debt brings me out in a cold sweat. Quite frankly, if this had been the situation when I were a lad (whistle Dvorak here) I would not have gone away to college. There is therefore much merit in giving people the opportunity to study for free if they agree to carry all the other costs (if their parents agree to support them).
Now, we are the party of choice and good on us for being so. We are also a party which looks to students for a lot of our support so we must be aware of the concerns of this constituency but we must surely also recognise that it costs a lot to send people away to university every year, it saddles those students with ludicrous debts and the country is also in a bit of a bind financially. There may be merit in people staying local, studying locally and working locally, which might perhaps encourage them to remain where they live and invest in their local economy once they have graduated. The principle of living, studying and working locally is also common to many European countries and while I remain fiercely ‘English’ in my outlook I am also one of those sensible people who recognises that if we don’t learn from our neighbours and friends we are quite simply ignorant.
For these and various other reasons I think the government has actually got a good idea here and we might reflect on that. I applaud the principles behind the approach taken by Stephen Williams on our behalf but I wonder if it is the right comment long term.
And finally an anecdote: My brother studied in London and lived at home. He worked throughout his time at college and he left (I think) with no debts. He now earns a very tidy sum doing what he always wanted to. I went away to university, supported by my wonderful and long-suffering parents to a considerable extent. Regardless of their sacrifice I still left university with debts and I haven’t quite found my niche in life to this day. It’s hideously subjective but it informs my judgement on this issue.
‘No fee degrees’ put money before student choice - Williams
'Commenting on Government proposals for ‘no fee degrees’, Liberal Democrat Shadow Universities Secretary, Stephen Williams said:
'“This is just a money saving measure for the Government dressed up as a proposal to help students. By abolishing fees for people who are able to stay at home ministers are letting what people can afford affect what they study. People should be able to study the subject they want where they want regardless of how well off they are. If the Government truly wanted to make sure it is not just the wealthy who are able to get the education they want, it would scrap tuition fees altogether.”'
I went away to university and had a fab time. I spent three years drinking too much, studying too little and generally being a drain on society. However, I think I came away a better person, although my subsequent career has not exactly hit the high spots I had envisaged. I have nevertheless enjoyed myself and I can recognise numerous benefits of my time freezing in the delightful city of Stoke-on-Trent. (Oh yes, I went to a top university!)
My first reading of the government’s announcement that students would not pay fees if they agreed not to claim other costs or take out loans led me to conclude that this was a good idea. Fees are an abomination and the thought of leaving university with upwards of £20,000 of debt brings me out in a cold sweat. Quite frankly, if this had been the situation when I were a lad (whistle Dvorak here) I would not have gone away to college. There is therefore much merit in giving people the opportunity to study for free if they agree to carry all the other costs (if their parents agree to support them).
Now, we are the party of choice and good on us for being so. We are also a party which looks to students for a lot of our support so we must be aware of the concerns of this constituency but we must surely also recognise that it costs a lot to send people away to university every year, it saddles those students with ludicrous debts and the country is also in a bit of a bind financially. There may be merit in people staying local, studying locally and working locally, which might perhaps encourage them to remain where they live and invest in their local economy once they have graduated. The principle of living, studying and working locally is also common to many European countries and while I remain fiercely ‘English’ in my outlook I am also one of those sensible people who recognises that if we don’t learn from our neighbours and friends we are quite simply ignorant.
For these and various other reasons I think the government has actually got a good idea here and we might reflect on that. I applaud the principles behind the approach taken by Stephen Williams on our behalf but I wonder if it is the right comment long term.
And finally an anecdote: My brother studied in London and lived at home. He worked throughout his time at college and he left (I think) with no debts. He now earns a very tidy sum doing what he always wanted to. I went away to university, supported by my wonderful and long-suffering parents to a considerable extent. Regardless of their sacrifice I still left university with debts and I haven’t quite found my niche in life to this day. It’s hideously subjective but it informs my judgement on this issue.
Thursday, 2 July 2009
BROWN 'DOES SOMETHING POPULAR' SHOCK
While in Leeds on a BBC Radio show Gordon Brown got phoned up by someone bemoaning the lack of government help for small family businesses. Gordon said someone would get in touch and then decided to visit the fish stall himself.
This is clever stuff and it demonstrates to me that the Prime Minister is going to be no pushover at the next election. As usual it wil be for the government to lose the next election, not for the opposition to win, and Gordon Brown is no fool.
I think the next election is going to be a humdinger!
This is clever stuff and it demonstrates to me that the Prime Minister is going to be no pushover at the next election. As usual it wil be for the government to lose the next election, not for the opposition to win, and Gordon Brown is no fool.
I think the next election is going to be a humdinger!
BLIMEY, I'VE BECOME A PROPER FOOTBALL FAN
I got my first ever season ticket today for Oxford United. I went in with my jar of 5p coins and coppers to the receptionist, a snooty bitch who sent me outside to the ticket booths. These were all closed so I had to go back in and get said snooty bitch to raise herself from her seat and waddle off to 'find someone'. I was then sent back out.
After that it was much nicer. I filled my forms in and I was taken out to be shown a selection of seats in the family area. I've got a cracking pair of seats for me and my son - great views of the pitch and near the stairs for the inevitable trips to the loo halfway through the second half. I also got a mini guided tour which I unfortunately had to cut short due to the nuisance of the day job.
Still, it was all very nice and jolly and I am more enthused than ever about this. Plus I have had the implant inserted into my brain which tells me that Oxford will definitely win promotion this season and have a sensational cup run, narrowly losing out to one of the top four teams in the quarter finals.
Hmm, misplaced optimism, regular disappointment, the lemming-like desire to do it all over again time after time. There's a lot of common ground between football and politics.
After that it was much nicer. I filled my forms in and I was taken out to be shown a selection of seats in the family area. I've got a cracking pair of seats for me and my son - great views of the pitch and near the stairs for the inevitable trips to the loo halfway through the second half. I also got a mini guided tour which I unfortunately had to cut short due to the nuisance of the day job.
Still, it was all very nice and jolly and I am more enthused than ever about this. Plus I have had the implant inserted into my brain which tells me that Oxford will definitely win promotion this season and have a sensational cup run, narrowly losing out to one of the top four teams in the quarter finals.
Hmm, misplaced optimism, regular disappointment, the lemming-like desire to do it all over again time after time. There's a lot of common ground between football and politics.
Wednesday, 1 July 2009
PRIVATE TRAIN GO AWAY, DON'T COME BACK ANOTHER DAY
Fabulous news about National Express losing the contract for the East Coast Main Line. I don't have a personal beef with National Express - they are as bad as the rest - but as happened when Network South East was briefly brought into public ownership some years ago the managers of this line have a chance to demonstrate that public ownership of our railways quite simply makes sense.
You cannot have competition where one company runs one service on one line. That's a monopoly.
Where trains do compete on lines the tickets are often not transferable, people using the service cannot get the best information on pricing and they need to book train tickets now for their new born children to ensure the best value fares. The whole system is a shambles. And who dreamt it up? That's right, the increasingly shambolic and desperate last Tory government. Go to the top of the class.
So fingers crossed that we can see a bit of magic out east over the next year and that someone, somewhere recognises that this experiment in devastating our public transport has failed miserably.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if we got a transport minister who could think outside this particular box and see that we need an integrated transport policy if we are to solve congestion, environmental damage, pollution affecting people's health and deliver economic benefits as people can actually get where they are going when they want to conveniently and cheaply.
You cannot have competition where one company runs one service on one line. That's a monopoly.
Where trains do compete on lines the tickets are often not transferable, people using the service cannot get the best information on pricing and they need to book train tickets now for their new born children to ensure the best value fares. The whole system is a shambles. And who dreamt it up? That's right, the increasingly shambolic and desperate last Tory government. Go to the top of the class.
So fingers crossed that we can see a bit of magic out east over the next year and that someone, somewhere recognises that this experiment in devastating our public transport has failed miserably.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if we got a transport minister who could think outside this particular box and see that we need an integrated transport policy if we are to solve congestion, environmental damage, pollution affecting people's health and deliver economic benefits as people can actually get where they are going when they want to conveniently and cheaply.
Tuesday, 30 June 2009
YOU'VE SCOT TO BE HAVING A LAUGH
The BBC announces today that 58% of Scots want a referendum on independence but a majority favour the union. That's an interesting outcome which I doubt the nationalists would welcome but, as most nationalist imbeciles tend eventually to find to their cost, people really aren't as stupid as they would like.
Let's hope the SNP have their referendum in 2010. I would still like to see a British referendum on Scottish independence as I'd say it's not a decision for the Scots alone. The result, divided between the nations and aggregated, would, I think, be quite a surprise, particularly for the SNP.
Let's hope the SNP have their referendum in 2010. I would still like to see a British referendum on Scottish independence as I'd say it's not a decision for the Scots alone. The result, divided between the nations and aggregated, would, I think, be quite a surprise, particularly for the SNP.
Monday, 29 June 2009
I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A FOLLOW ON
I haven't managed to catch this evening's 'I'm Sorry...' just yet but I heard a few moments at the end. I have listened to Stephen Fry's attempts at chairing over the past two weeks. It's all good and entertaining and the usual things are there - plus the glittering Victoria Wood - but somehow its not quite right. Strangely enough, listening to a snippet of Jack Dee this evening nailed it for me.
Now I like Jack Dee and it is of course the law that Stephen Fry must be regarded as a 'national treasure' but the problem is that they are doing stuff designed for Humph. That's not sensible. Both ae perfectly capable of projecting their own personas and they should be allowed to do this, not try to recreate what has gone before.
So, retire Samantha and Sven, lose the double entendres, bring in some new games such as might suit the new quizmasters and move this brilliant programme on, rather than wallowing in rather too much self-pity over the sorry demise of Humph.
The most glaring example of this was following the loss of Willie Rushton when new comedians were brought in. Jeremy Hardy didn't try to do a 'Willie'. He was Jeremy Hardy and now he's one of the regular highlights. In the words of Mr Punch: that's the way to do it!
Or, as Humph might have said of Samantha, she's been doing the same old things with five old men for over 30 years so it about time she turned over and tried out a few new openings.
Now I like Jack Dee and it is of course the law that Stephen Fry must be regarded as a 'national treasure' but the problem is that they are doing stuff designed for Humph. That's not sensible. Both ae perfectly capable of projecting their own personas and they should be allowed to do this, not try to recreate what has gone before.
So, retire Samantha and Sven, lose the double entendres, bring in some new games such as might suit the new quizmasters and move this brilliant programme on, rather than wallowing in rather too much self-pity over the sorry demise of Humph.
The most glaring example of this was following the loss of Willie Rushton when new comedians were brought in. Jeremy Hardy didn't try to do a 'Willie'. He was Jeremy Hardy and now he's one of the regular highlights. In the words of Mr Punch: that's the way to do it!
Or, as Humph might have said of Samantha, she's been doing the same old things with five old men for over 30 years so it about time she turned over and tried out a few new openings.
Friday, 26 June 2009
THRILLER - OR SAME OLD INTERNET BRED HOKUM?
Blimey, you don't even have to be cold before the conspiracy theories begin. Where was the Duke of Edinburgh yesterday, that's what I want to know...And what does Mohammed Fayed think?
It's all to do with the government. And the aliens, of course.
It's all to do with the government. And the aliens, of course.
GOD SAVE THE BBC, LONG LIVE THE BBC...
I must stop listening to the Today programme as it does not seem to have improved one iota. After the Jackson interviews Sue MacGregor interviewed Mark Thompson, the BBC's DG, about expenses at the Beeb. She grilled him and she attacked him and all over very little. Apparently he claimed 23p for parking. His driver also claimed for the congestion charge.
Well, whooooo, call in the Fraud Squad.
Now it is clear the BBC is not thriving at the moment and I'd like to ask the management some hard-hitting questions, primarily about the potty obsession with text messaging, feedback and generally allowing inane viewers to spoil perfectly decent programmes (I can say this as I am one of them) but the expenses for senior directors of this huge corporation are not exactly criminal. I don't supose any of us want to see these expenses and flowers for the idiotic Jonathan Ross are beyond the pale but as a percentage of the BBC's outlay this is small beer.
Far more important would be for an inquiry into whether Ross is worth £6m a year to spout bollocks and perv over any woman under 90 on primetime TV. Now that's a waste of money. Perhaps if Mark Thompson retired Ross to talk radio he could look McGhastly straight in the eye and tell her to stick her pointless Today interview values where they belong and leave him to try to rescue the floundering BBC.
And another thing: Fern Cotton. No. Just no. Far more important to send her to work in Top Shop than to worry about buying cakes on expenses. You'd save a lot more and the national rejoicing would last for days.
What are your thoughts on that? Text me on 84756 or you can visit the website at www.mindlessravings.com/what-is-the-point-of-all-this-electronic-hot-air?/bugger-all. Now its over to Fern Cotton to generally annoy everyone on planet Earth.
Well, whooooo, call in the Fraud Squad.
Now it is clear the BBC is not thriving at the moment and I'd like to ask the management some hard-hitting questions, primarily about the potty obsession with text messaging, feedback and generally allowing inane viewers to spoil perfectly decent programmes (I can say this as I am one of them) but the expenses for senior directors of this huge corporation are not exactly criminal. I don't supose any of us want to see these expenses and flowers for the idiotic Jonathan Ross are beyond the pale but as a percentage of the BBC's outlay this is small beer.
Far more important would be for an inquiry into whether Ross is worth £6m a year to spout bollocks and perv over any woman under 90 on primetime TV. Now that's a waste of money. Perhaps if Mark Thompson retired Ross to talk radio he could look McGhastly straight in the eye and tell her to stick her pointless Today interview values where they belong and leave him to try to rescue the floundering BBC.
And another thing: Fern Cotton. No. Just no. Far more important to send her to work in Top Shop than to worry about buying cakes on expenses. You'd save a lot more and the national rejoicing would last for days.
What are your thoughts on that? Text me on 84756 or you can visit the website at www.mindlessravings.com/what-is-the-point-of-all-this-electronic-hot-air?/bugger-all. Now its over to Fern Cotton to generally annoy everyone on planet Earth.
MICHAEL JACKSON (AND A FREE CHANCE TO HAVE A GO AT THE TODAY PROGRAMME...)
Michael Jackson's death is a sad occasion. I was no fan but much of his music was the finest pop music created and he deserves due credit for his considerable achievements. Given the range of music he created it is even possible to forgive the terrible later 'let me save you all' albums. He seems to have had a troubled life, which tends to make someone's death more poignant.
Even the Today programme paid due respects, with Rambling Jim Naughtie experiencing an amazing epiphany during his interviews with various people. He started as the usual cantankerous, argumentative idiot, constantly interrupting - never listening - but gradually, perhaps as he realised how little he knew about this subject, he shut up and let his subjects talk. Oh if only he would go away and reflect on this simple fact: that people would rather hear his interviewers than his 5 minute questions which are invariably a hymn to subclauses and old German grammar (niche joke, this one).
One key point needs to be clarified: Rambling Jim declared in his usual hubristic way that Jackson 'invented the music video'. He didn't: he developed the video into a supreme form of expression but he didn't invent it. Credit for this usually goes to Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody.
Rest in pieces.
Even the Today programme paid due respects, with Rambling Jim Naughtie experiencing an amazing epiphany during his interviews with various people. He started as the usual cantankerous, argumentative idiot, constantly interrupting - never listening - but gradually, perhaps as he realised how little he knew about this subject, he shut up and let his subjects talk. Oh if only he would go away and reflect on this simple fact: that people would rather hear his interviewers than his 5 minute questions which are invariably a hymn to subclauses and old German grammar (niche joke, this one).
One key point needs to be clarified: Rambling Jim declared in his usual hubristic way that Jackson 'invented the music video'. He didn't: he developed the video into a supreme form of expression but he didn't invent it. Credit for this usually goes to Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody.
Rest in pieces.
Thursday, 25 June 2009
THE TORY AUGEAN STABLES DON'T SMELL! OH NO NO NO NO!
'Tories to publish expenses review' puffs the BBC and today the Tories will open up their nest of vipers to scrutiny.
Or will they? And will they actually de-select any Tory MPs or will they simply have a 'quiet word'. This is one area where Labour has trumped the Tories, by making a few of their lesser MPs scapegoats they have appeared to be doing something and they have managed to cling on to more senior transgressors.
This may be the best mirror to hold up to the Tories - how they deal with themselves. If their 'review' turns out to be a Dave-esque written version of a fireside chat with no sanctions for anyone that seems like a pretty good pointer to a possible future Eton-led government. So abandon hope all you advocates of change, the appropriately named Conservatives are back in town.
NB: for those of you of a pedantic bent I am aware that the Tory party does not formally exist and that all local parties are bizarrely independent of the centre but it would be highly unlikely for the good members of Rotten-in-the-Core to go against the pronouncements of their leader at Westminster and not de-select one of their more badly behaved MPs. I suppose the problem for the Tories would be where it would end...
UPDATE
Bingo. Those plucky Tories have done nothing beyond forcing their rich chums to pay back a few quid, about what William Hague will get for his next book deal.
Your Conservative party - cleaning up politics!
Or will they? And will they actually de-select any Tory MPs or will they simply have a 'quiet word'. This is one area where Labour has trumped the Tories, by making a few of their lesser MPs scapegoats they have appeared to be doing something and they have managed to cling on to more senior transgressors.
This may be the best mirror to hold up to the Tories - how they deal with themselves. If their 'review' turns out to be a Dave-esque written version of a fireside chat with no sanctions for anyone that seems like a pretty good pointer to a possible future Eton-led government. So abandon hope all you advocates of change, the appropriately named Conservatives are back in town.
NB: for those of you of a pedantic bent I am aware that the Tory party does not formally exist and that all local parties are bizarrely independent of the centre but it would be highly unlikely for the good members of Rotten-in-the-Core to go against the pronouncements of their leader at Westminster and not de-select one of their more badly behaved MPs. I suppose the problem for the Tories would be where it would end...
UPDATE
Bingo. Those plucky Tories have done nothing beyond forcing their rich chums to pay back a few quid, about what William Hague will get for his next book deal.
Your Conservative party - cleaning up politics!
Wednesday, 24 June 2009
PMQs - HERE COME THE WEASELS
Well, it will no doubt be unfashionable to say so but I thought Mr Speaker Toad acquitted himself admirably today. He was clear, commanding and - crucially - he directed most of his criticisms at the mindless baying public school benches of the Tories. More of the same might make him popular enough to actually do something to change this charade for the better.
As for Dave, he just can't land a blow. He had an open goal today (to mix metaphors furiously) but he simply parroted his attack and Gordon parroted his response. A great day for incisive debate then as two suited schoolboys shouted abuse at each other.
Its such a shame to hear our MPs get up and ask sensible, measured questions. They just don't get the way the House works. I mean, they expect answers, which is just plain daft. We need conference training on making that ghastly 'ooouuurrrrr' sound favoured by the Tories, a session on looking unconscionably smug, a session on making a fatuous, pointless dig disguised as a question and a session explaining why on earth this half hour each week is of any value whatsoever. Nickers suffers from 'sensiblitis' as well. He tried to make a dig but he just sounds too reasonable.
Blackadder may have the answer. If you recall in the Georgian series the Prince was given training in speaking by two actors and he was told to stand like a prat, make a roaring sound and generally shout like a buffoon. When satire comes this close to the truth it kind of becomes tragic...
As for Dave, he just can't land a blow. He had an open goal today (to mix metaphors furiously) but he simply parroted his attack and Gordon parroted his response. A great day for incisive debate then as two suited schoolboys shouted abuse at each other.
Its such a shame to hear our MPs get up and ask sensible, measured questions. They just don't get the way the House works. I mean, they expect answers, which is just plain daft. We need conference training on making that ghastly 'ooouuurrrrr' sound favoured by the Tories, a session on looking unconscionably smug, a session on making a fatuous, pointless dig disguised as a question and a session explaining why on earth this half hour each week is of any value whatsoever. Nickers suffers from 'sensiblitis' as well. He tried to make a dig but he just sounds too reasonable.
Blackadder may have the answer. If you recall in the Georgian series the Prince was given training in speaking by two actors and he was told to stand like a prat, make a roaring sound and generally shout like a buffoon. When satire comes this close to the truth it kind of becomes tragic...
Tuesday, 23 June 2009
QUICK, LET'S ALL CLAIM ANDY MURRAY FOR OURSELVES!
There was a hideous little piece on the Today programme this morning when Rambling Jim Naughtie introduced A.L.Kennedy (who she, thought I)to talk about Andy Murray.
Andy Murray is Scottish, so is Rambling Jim and so, apparently, is this A.L. Kennedy. Cue a self-reverential piece about how if Andy Murray does well in the first week he will be Scottish (titter) but if he does well in the second week he will be English (titter, titter). If he wins he will become British. Hoorah and more knowing tittering.
What a bag of tartan turds this whole theory is.
Andy Murray is Scottish. He is also British. He will never be English. However, I couldn't give two hoots where he's from. I hope Andy Murray does really well. I hope he wins and if he does I will cheer as loudly as anyone and celebrate his outstanding achievement, which he will richly deserve. I will then boo louder than most when every Scottish rent-a-quote (you can see Alex Salmond's grin from space, you know) tries to hijack his success for their petty national pride.
Put plainly, why can't Andy Murray be both Scottish AND British? Why can't he be equally proud of both? And why can't he represent both identities in his sport? Or was Lewis Hamilton's success last year an 'English' success?
There has been talk of a 'Scottish Six' o'Clock news for years. I wonder if we might get a British Today programme any time soon, one which casts aside national sniping in the interests of actually reporting some news. Some dream...
Andy Murray is Scottish, so is Rambling Jim and so, apparently, is this A.L. Kennedy. Cue a self-reverential piece about how if Andy Murray does well in the first week he will be Scottish (titter) but if he does well in the second week he will be English (titter, titter). If he wins he will become British. Hoorah and more knowing tittering.
What a bag of tartan turds this whole theory is.
Andy Murray is Scottish. He is also British. He will never be English. However, I couldn't give two hoots where he's from. I hope Andy Murray does really well. I hope he wins and if he does I will cheer as loudly as anyone and celebrate his outstanding achievement, which he will richly deserve. I will then boo louder than most when every Scottish rent-a-quote (you can see Alex Salmond's grin from space, you know) tries to hijack his success for their petty national pride.
Put plainly, why can't Andy Murray be both Scottish AND British? Why can't he be equally proud of both? And why can't he represent both identities in his sport? Or was Lewis Hamilton's success last year an 'English' success?
There has been talk of a 'Scottish Six' o'Clock news for years. I wonder if we might get a British Today programme any time soon, one which casts aside national sniping in the interests of actually reporting some news. Some dream...
Monday, 22 June 2009
SATIRISTS: TO THE CHAMPAGNE!
I don't wish to be churlish and I have absolutely no axe to grind with the Speaker-elect but the picture of him on the BBC website is so reminiscent of the character invented by Kenneth Grahame that it would be wrong - simply wrong - not to refer to him as Mr Toad.
So we've gone from 'Udder, udder' to 'Poop Poop' which, in the circumstances, seems quite appropriate.
Best of all, Margaret a-Beckett and Ann Widdespoons did not win. That's not sexism, by the way, that's a heartfelt sigh of relief.
I look forward to the next Private Eye, which very recently explained how Mr Toad has been cosying up nicely to the Labour government, apparently in search of a job. It seem therefore that the establishment candidate won after all. Good old New Labour.
Perhaps the best bit is the BBC's explanation about what happens next. Apparently, in the modern era of modernisation and modern stuff the way it works is thus:
-The fiercely independent House first seeks approval from the Queen
-There then follows an "approbation" ceremony - the process of formal Royal approval, which is expected to start at 10pm at which a bunch of unelected Privy Counsellors decide if Mr Toad can be Speaker.
-Then porn star Black Rod will then walk from the Lords to the Commons and knock on the door
-A few minutes later Mr Toad, followed by MPs, will head to the unelected Lords chamber for the ceremony which will appoint him as the official Speaker.
Now don't get me wrong, if all this nonsense sells a few more knick-knacks to the tourists its probably been worth it but you have to ask if it befits a supposedly modernising democracy.
What's the betting the year will pass, the election will come and nothing will have changed. Seriously, would you even get Evens on that?
So we've gone from 'Udder, udder' to 'Poop Poop' which, in the circumstances, seems quite appropriate.
Best of all, Margaret a-Beckett and Ann Widdespoons did not win. That's not sexism, by the way, that's a heartfelt sigh of relief.
I look forward to the next Private Eye, which very recently explained how Mr Toad has been cosying up nicely to the Labour government, apparently in search of a job. It seem therefore that the establishment candidate won after all. Good old New Labour.
Perhaps the best bit is the BBC's explanation about what happens next. Apparently, in the modern era of modernisation and modern stuff the way it works is thus:
-The fiercely independent House first seeks approval from the Queen
-There then follows an "approbation" ceremony - the process of formal Royal approval, which is expected to start at 10pm at which a bunch of unelected Privy Counsellors decide if Mr Toad can be Speaker.
-Then porn star Black Rod will then walk from the Lords to the Commons and knock on the door
-A few minutes later Mr Toad, followed by MPs, will head to the unelected Lords chamber for the ceremony which will appoint him as the official Speaker.
Now don't get me wrong, if all this nonsense sells a few more knick-knacks to the tourists its probably been worth it but you have to ask if it befits a supposedly modernising democracy.
What's the betting the year will pass, the election will come and nothing will have changed. Seriously, would you even get Evens on that?
PARMJIT DHANDA DOES WELL BUT MISSES THE POINT AGAIN
Nice to hear Parmjit Dhanda, who is a genuinely novel voice in the Speaker election. He speaks with passion and conviction but his ideas just won't wash. He has proposed allowing voters to suggest subjects for debate using Facebook and Twitter. So that's the House meeting under his Speakership to consider repatriation for Asians. I'm not sure that's what he has got in mind but that's what would happen. There are too many groups out there with the wherewithal to hijack the issue. How long would it be before we had the 'Bono Debate on Global Poverty' as one of the World's richest pop stars takes over our Parliament using his media profile?
He also says we must move around the country. Hmm, great idea, 'cause that works really well for the European Union, doesn't it? And the recent Cabinet meetings around the country have been crackerjack successes, haven't they?
Its a shame because he was the first speaker to make me really listen but he's just a bit too 'student union' at the moment. Still, he clearly has much potential.
He also says we must move around the country. Hmm, great idea, 'cause that works really well for the European Union, doesn't it? And the recent Cabinet meetings around the country have been crackerjack successes, haven't they?
Its a shame because he was the first speaker to make me really listen but he's just a bit too 'student union' at the moment. Still, he clearly has much potential.
PLEASE, NO MORE HUBRIS!
Listening to the speeches of the hopefuls for Speaker what is interesting is how seriously they take themselves, how deeply they feel the hurt their constituents have experienced, how committed they all are to reforming the House and how they plan to walk barefoot to Canterbury.
This may be the clearest pointer to the very heart of the matter. The absolute bottom line is that the overwhelming majority of people don't give two hoots about how the House works, merely that it works. Similarly, I would suggest that most people don't actually think that buying a duck island is an attack on our democracy and a threat to [insert number here according to your understanding of constitutional history] hundred years of tradition but they do see the expenses farrago (love that word!) as a chance to give those better off than them a good verbal kicking.
It might serve our MPs well to worry a little less about their image and how people perceive them - and thus to stop the faux sackcloth and ashes approach to politics - and instead focus a lot more on how they get their work done and how much work they do, plain and simple.
This may be the clearest pointer to the very heart of the matter. The absolute bottom line is that the overwhelming majority of people don't give two hoots about how the House works, merely that it works. Similarly, I would suggest that most people don't actually think that buying a duck island is an attack on our democracy and a threat to [insert number here according to your understanding of constitutional history] hundred years of tradition but they do see the expenses farrago (love that word!) as a chance to give those better off than them a good verbal kicking.
It might serve our MPs well to worry a little less about their image and how people perceive them - and thus to stop the faux sackcloth and ashes approach to politics - and instead focus a lot more on how they get their work done and how much work they do, plain and simple.
I am in the 'anyone but Margaret Beckett' lobby!
Profuse apologies but recent amusing stories about Kirk Douglas led me to this pointless posting on the back of the recent one by 'Mark Reckons' on the Lib Dem blogs aggregator.
MARGARET BECKETT: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Time to pray: 'please God, don't let Margaret Beckett anywhere near the Speaker's Chair. She is arrogant, conservative and about as likely to do anything to change the practices of the House of Commons as I am to win Wimbledon.'
So here's a test Richard Dawkins could be proud of in his pseudo-scientific way. If Madge fails to get elected there must be a God. If she is elected, we are but specks of electricity in an otherwise empty universe...
Which would be kind of appropriate if such a ghastly person could get preferred over the eminently able Alan Beith.
So here's a test Richard Dawkins could be proud of in his pseudo-scientific way. If Madge fails to get elected there must be a God. If she is elected, we are but specks of electricity in an otherwise empty universe...
Which would be kind of appropriate if such a ghastly person could get preferred over the eminently able Alan Beith.
Friday, 19 June 2009
IRAN-T
The situation in Iran is clearly very serious and tense and we must watch developments there with concern. As a student of international politics I am always fascinated by Iran and often frustrated that this potentially powerful country doesn't make more of itself. How can it with a populist clown as its President and half its population struggling to make ends meet while he postures with nuclear weapons?
The trouble is that I am always faced with a titanic struggle, when watching, hearing or reading reports on that country, to put Pamela Stephenson out of my mind. "Ayatollah, Khomenei closer and I will rush into your arms." This of course works even better with the newest member of the theocracy there.
However bad the world gets, satire always has the power to pull us through.
NB: if anyone responds asking how I would like it if they took the mickey out of the Archbishop of Canterbury, Prime Minister or some other English luminary, the answer is 'bring it on', just make it funny.
The trouble is that I am always faced with a titanic struggle, when watching, hearing or reading reports on that country, to put Pamela Stephenson out of my mind. "Ayatollah, Khomenei closer and I will rush into your arms." This of course works even better with the newest member of the theocracy there.
However bad the world gets, satire always has the power to pull us through.
NB: if anyone responds asking how I would like it if they took the mickey out of the Archbishop of Canterbury, Prime Minister or some other English luminary, the answer is 'bring it on', just make it funny.
Wednesday, 17 June 2009
BLIMEY, BROWN MIGHT JUST BOUNCE
So Gordon Brown has:
-held a confidential 'star chamber' within the Labour Party which has seen several Labour MPs barred from re-standing. David Cameron has said much, with his trademark furrowed brow and cross voice but he has done very little by way of disciplining his MPs, who make up the great majority of miscreants in the whole expenses farrago.
[Can we pause a moment to enjoy the word 'farrago'? I'm quite pleased with that. 'Farrago'.]
-hinted at electoral reform, thus warming the hearts of Lib Dem inclined voters. Now most of us would rather sleep with a rattlesnake than trust Gordon Brown but it is a very apparent 'feeler' from Brown, as noted by the reliable Andrew Grice in the Independent last Saturday. The Tories have hummed and hawed and basically defended the status quo.
-suggested that reform of the House of Lords might actually happen after 12 years of broken promises. I can't see John Tory supporting any meaningful reform of the Lords.
-done something to address the economic crisis. It may not be perfect, it may have been pisspoor, it may not work but it compares favourably with the only Tory pledges, which amount to austerity, swingeing cuts and tax breaks for the wealthiest in the land.
-slung out the Speaker unceremoniously and is no doubt plotting to get his preferred candidate in. What's the betting the Tories squeal, whoever gets it.
I've been happy to condemn him all along but it seems Brown might just be playing the long game and assembling an array of initiatives and attacks on the Tories which, if unlikely to deliver outright victory, might just keep it from the clutches of Dave and his delightful cohorts who, even as we sit back and enjoy the bunfight, are reverting to type.
The £64,000 expenses claim for a floating duck island remains where this leaves us? It seems to me, as it has all along, that the best attack remains on the Tories. Labour are going to suffer next year - which now seems the most likely option - and simply not being Labour will gain us support whatever Brown does, so our best chance of advancement is surely by playing up our ability to actually think a little and promise something new, as opposed to Cameron's carefully thought through - and clever, as far as it goes - strategy of (i) not upsetting the horses (ii) not committing to anything much (iii) er (iv) that's it...
It's nice that politics has got interesting again.
-held a confidential 'star chamber' within the Labour Party which has seen several Labour MPs barred from re-standing. David Cameron has said much, with his trademark furrowed brow and cross voice but he has done very little by way of disciplining his MPs, who make up the great majority of miscreants in the whole expenses farrago.
[Can we pause a moment to enjoy the word 'farrago'? I'm quite pleased with that. 'Farrago'.]
-hinted at electoral reform, thus warming the hearts of Lib Dem inclined voters. Now most of us would rather sleep with a rattlesnake than trust Gordon Brown but it is a very apparent 'feeler' from Brown, as noted by the reliable Andrew Grice in the Independent last Saturday. The Tories have hummed and hawed and basically defended the status quo.
-suggested that reform of the House of Lords might actually happen after 12 years of broken promises. I can't see John Tory supporting any meaningful reform of the Lords.
-done something to address the economic crisis. It may not be perfect, it may have been pisspoor, it may not work but it compares favourably with the only Tory pledges, which amount to austerity, swingeing cuts and tax breaks for the wealthiest in the land.
-slung out the Speaker unceremoniously and is no doubt plotting to get his preferred candidate in. What's the betting the Tories squeal, whoever gets it.
I've been happy to condemn him all along but it seems Brown might just be playing the long game and assembling an array of initiatives and attacks on the Tories which, if unlikely to deliver outright victory, might just keep it from the clutches of Dave and his delightful cohorts who, even as we sit back and enjoy the bunfight, are reverting to type.
The £64,000 expenses claim for a floating duck island remains where this leaves us? It seems to me, as it has all along, that the best attack remains on the Tories. Labour are going to suffer next year - which now seems the most likely option - and simply not being Labour will gain us support whatever Brown does, so our best chance of advancement is surely by playing up our ability to actually think a little and promise something new, as opposed to Cameron's carefully thought through - and clever, as far as it goes - strategy of (i) not upsetting the horses (ii) not committing to anything much (iii) er (iv) that's it...
It's nice that politics has got interesting again.
HELP THE HOMELESS
A brilliant suggestion has been made to solve the problems of MPs' second homes. I think it came from someone reading the BBC website.
The Olympic village will have no purpose after the 2012 Olympics and the drive to persuade someone to take them on as social housing units is faltering. The answer is therefore blindingly obvious: some of these complexes should be dedicated to housing MPs and possibly even providing for their often abysmally paid staff. Transport links could be improved to get them to Parliament.
If any MP demurs, let them buy their own second home using their own money. The choice is as simple as Neil Hamilton.
The Olympic village will have no purpose after the 2012 Olympics and the drive to persuade someone to take them on as social housing units is faltering. The answer is therefore blindingly obvious: some of these complexes should be dedicated to housing MPs and possibly even providing for their often abysmally paid staff. Transport links could be improved to get them to Parliament.
If any MP demurs, let them buy their own second home using their own money. The choice is as simple as Neil Hamilton.
NICE ONE ON NUCLEAR, NICKERS
Nickers seems to have hit the bullseye with his handbrake turn on Trident. In Oxfordshire we were hit rather hard by the Green vote locally, riding on the back of their success in the Euros. Nickers' decision to make nuclear weapons an issue could be just the headline we need to draw some of those votes over to us. It might also draw out some reluctant Labour voters from their Brown-induced torpor and deliver us support from that direction.
Nickers suffers from a lack of a 'usp' but he is right on the nail with his ideas and strategy. My suggestion is that he should be caught in a three-in-a-bed romp or related scandal - preferably with the Female officer of a nuclear sub. Then he'll be in all the papers, all the men will be thinking 'good on you' - depending on the lucky lady concerned - and women across the land will swoon, imagining that they might catch his eye in future.
Or have I gone too far yet again?
Nickers suffers from a lack of a 'usp' but he is right on the nail with his ideas and strategy. My suggestion is that he should be caught in a three-in-a-bed romp or related scandal - preferably with the Female officer of a nuclear sub. Then he'll be in all the papers, all the men will be thinking 'good on you' - depending on the lucky lady concerned - and women across the land will swoon, imagining that they might catch his eye in future.
Or have I gone too far yet again?
Monday, 15 June 2009
PLEASE LET IT BE TRUE!
Heard on the radio the other day. Apparently Kirk Douglas's son was a stand up comedian and the story goes that he was in London and not performing very well on stage at a comedy club. He got increasingly angry at the audience's reaction and finally he snapped.
"Don't you know who I am?! I'm Kirk Douglas's son!" he declared angrily. At which point a member of the audience got up and declared: "I'm Kirk Douglas's son!" A third person rose and announced: "I'm Kirk Douglas's son!" until the whole room was in uproar as they collectively declared themselves to be Kirk Douglas's son.
"Don't you know who I am?! I'm Kirk Douglas's son!" he declared angrily. At which point a member of the audience got up and declared: "I'm Kirk Douglas's son!" A third person rose and announced: "I'm Kirk Douglas's son!" until the whole room was in uproar as they collectively declared themselves to be Kirk Douglas's son.
Friday, 5 June 2009
WHAT REALLY MATTERS
Driving home from the count, I was feeing pretty down when, on the other carriageway I passed the cortege carrying the remains of four British servicemen killed abroad and flown home to Brize Norton, their coffins draped in the Union Flag. That was a touching sight and it brought my own petty reflections into very sharp relief.
OH WELL, THERE'S ALWAYS NEXT TIME...
So - horror of horrors - I lost and I lost pretty comprehensively. In fact the LDs got a bit of a kicking across this county as the Greens stole votes from us across the board. If it wasn't for the Green votes we would have won a number of extra seats. I hope every Green voter is reflecting on the fact that their hubris has served only the Tories - and the Tories really care about the environment. After all, Dave flew to the Arctic to prove it, didn't he? [WILL THIS DO? Ed.]
In the plus column, I have learned a huge amount, from canvassing to wholesaling and delivery networks in general. I have some pretty strong views on what we did wrong in the areas I was involved in which I hope to raise with the powers that be in coming days. I have also gained immense respect for the numerous people who gave everything, regrettably for little return this time around. It is heartening to be surrounded by people who really give a damn.
I have come to the conclusion that all political careers should start with failure, to dampen all future expectations. The best thing is when you see those Tories celebrating - is there a more odious sight than a happy Tory? - it really does sicken you and steel you to give it back twice over the next time.
In the plus column, I have learned a huge amount, from canvassing to wholesaling and delivery networks in general. I have some pretty strong views on what we did wrong in the areas I was involved in which I hope to raise with the powers that be in coming days. I have also gained immense respect for the numerous people who gave everything, regrettably for little return this time around. It is heartening to be surrounded by people who really give a damn.
I have come to the conclusion that all political careers should start with failure, to dampen all future expectations. The best thing is when you see those Tories celebrating - is there a more odious sight than a happy Tory? - it really does sicken you and steel you to give it back twice over the next time.
BRISTOL SAVES THE DAY!
So I came home at 2am this morning rather dismayed at the Tories apparently sweeping all before them in my area - whats a guy got to do to persuade people to not behave like sheep..? I woke up this morning feeling rather dismayed generally and my wife said 'Would it help that the LDs won Bristol?'
Well, yes it did, so well done everyone involved in the Bristol campaign. That's the good thing about being a LD - whatever your local result, someone somewhere is winning a hard won victory, often after years of slog.
Well, yes it did, so well done everyone involved in the Bristol campaign. That's the good thing about being a LD - whatever your local result, someone somewhere is winning a hard won victory, often after years of slog.
Thursday, 4 June 2009
HERE COMES THE GENERAL
Oh dear, it seems the Good Ship Gordon Brown is holed below the waterline. The echoes of the last days of John Major are there for all to see as the self-serving and utterly venal Parliamentary Labour Party eats itself. Why are politicians so stupid that they periodically destroy themselves collectively?
Now I despair of this Labour government as much as the next person but I'm not sure I want the General Election just now. I fear a Tory government even more than a useless Labour rump. Unfortunately I give Gordon until Monday, then things must kick off. He'll either have to not lose big in the Council and Euro elections or do something incredible at PMQs on Wednesday. Otherwise he surely must be gone by Thursday at the latest.
Then either Alan 'I slept on my face again' Johnson or (Heaven help us) Harriet Harperson will have to decide whether to tough it out until next April or to commit Hara Kiri.
Either way it seems the wrong time for all this upheaval. Dave has not been found out yet and this really can't wait until the feared day when he enters Downing Street.
I shall go out and buy a large truck and - Chris Eubank style- I shall drive around the country shouting 'The Tories are pygmies! The Tories are pygmies!' That should do it...
Now I despair of this Labour government as much as the next person but I'm not sure I want the General Election just now. I fear a Tory government even more than a useless Labour rump. Unfortunately I give Gordon until Monday, then things must kick off. He'll either have to not lose big in the Council and Euro elections or do something incredible at PMQs on Wednesday. Otherwise he surely must be gone by Thursday at the latest.
Then either Alan 'I slept on my face again' Johnson or (Heaven help us) Harriet Harperson will have to decide whether to tough it out until next April or to commit Hara Kiri.
Either way it seems the wrong time for all this upheaval. Dave has not been found out yet and this really can't wait until the feared day when he enters Downing Street.
I shall go out and buy a large truck and - Chris Eubank style- I shall drive around the country shouting 'The Tories are pygmies! The Tories are pygmies!' That should do it...
OOOOOOOH, ME FEET!
Well, that's it all over bar the voting. I realise that seasoned campaigners will be astounded to think that I am not out there at the moment but after the last few weeks I can barely move. Knocking up will begin later and I am steeling myself for that.
My constituency is not very active so I am pleased that we managed to get out three communications in my division and one in my home division - something my local LD MP was very unhappy about as neither were target seats. That's all well and good but every local party has to start somewhere.
Now all I want is one night's sleep. Just one.
My constituency is not very active so I am pleased that we managed to get out three communications in my division and one in my home division - something my local LD MP was very unhappy about as neither were target seats. That's all well and good but every local party has to start somewhere.
Now all I want is one night's sleep. Just one.
Thursday, 28 May 2009
IAIN DALE ISN'T A PARTY APPARATCHIK AND I'M IMELDA MARCOS
I heard that Iain Dale bloke on The World at One today defending Julie Kirkbride. Decent fella, he said she's a luverly girl, trying to hold down a decent job while her brother looks after her child. Quite right, say I. Women need to work to support their husbands and this Ms Kirkbride is doing a great job. And what's wrong with her building her brother a little extension to live in? I'm happy to pay my taxes for that.
My friend's a working mum. She's also a district councillor. So I says to her, 'Don't worry about looking after your kids at your own expense, why not get the local Council Taxpayer to foot the bill? Your mum could move in and look after them. And, if there's no room, surely your council can build her an extension.' She says to me that the council won't build her an extension and won't pay her relatives to live with her at the taxpayer's expense!
What is the world coming to?!
So I says to her, 'Why don't you and your husband buy another house? Then you can each claim a second home allowance.' She told me the council won't pay for this either. I said to her that she should get herself elected to Parliament then, so she can follow the shining example to working mothers of that Ms Kirkbride. If she can wring out the taxpayer for every last fiver, why shouldn't you?
That's why that Iain Dale was clearly spot on to defend his cheating, lying, deceitful colleague.
My friend's a working mum. She's also a district councillor. So I says to her, 'Don't worry about looking after your kids at your own expense, why not get the local Council Taxpayer to foot the bill? Your mum could move in and look after them. And, if there's no room, surely your council can build her an extension.' She says to me that the council won't build her an extension and won't pay her relatives to live with her at the taxpayer's expense!
What is the world coming to?!
So I says to her, 'Why don't you and your husband buy another house? Then you can each claim a second home allowance.' She told me the council won't pay for this either. I said to her that she should get herself elected to Parliament then, so she can follow the shining example to working mothers of that Ms Kirkbride. If she can wring out the taxpayer for every last fiver, why shouldn't you?
That's why that Iain Dale was clearly spot on to defend his cheating, lying, deceitful colleague.
Tuesday, 26 May 2009
BLIMEY, I'M GETTING FIT
A very strange feeling is coming over me. Sure I'm coming home knackered with my feet in a sling but somehow its not hurting as much. I knocked out about 6 rounds of delivering today pretty much without breaking into a sweat.
Still hundreds of leaflets in my car, however, with many, many more to follow so no complacency, just a sense of increased hardiness which comes from having a manic MP chasing me at every turn and, somewhat oddly, an increasing sense of enjoyment of the whole thing.
Mind you, tonight's chips were pretty poor - I couldn't get to my usual chip shop - and unbelievably expensive as they came from Woodstock, which is posher than the Queen.
Was that a digression? Is this?
Still hundreds of leaflets in my car, however, with many, many more to follow so no complacency, just a sense of increased hardiness which comes from having a manic MP chasing me at every turn and, somewhat oddly, an increasing sense of enjoyment of the whole thing.
Mind you, tonight's chips were pretty poor - I couldn't get to my usual chip shop - and unbelievably expensive as they came from Woodstock, which is posher than the Queen.
Was that a digression? Is this?
Monday, 25 May 2009
TIME TO FACE THE CHANGE
Alan Johnson has done a good job raising the issue of PR. I am fully in favour of AV plus and I have never been an STV zealot. Put bluntly, STV is too messy, whatever the complex arguments put forward by its proponents might be. The overwhelming majority of voters are simply not interested enough but they should be able to make the effort to tick or cross two boxes, as they would be required to under AV Plus. Also, having an advocate such as the Late Roy Jenkins is a powerful argument for AV Plus. Jenkins devised what he thought 'would work' with the British system, not what he considered the best system.
Around this comment by Mr Johnson, others have mentioned reform and it is reassuring to see the pendulum swinging back to somewhere near to equilibrium. Sure, a large number of our politicians have let us down badly but this does not mean the system is fundamentally flawed. And - a key 'and' here so it shall go in capitals - MOST OF THEM WERE TORIES. This pleases me as John Tory must be found out before the next election.
He has not changed. He is not 'new'. He is the same old right wing, anti-European, mildly bigoted person we all know and cope with, like that uncle we all try to avoid who smokes 40 a day, drinks Campari and calls people 'darkies' but who is a relative so who comes along to all the family events.
Anyway, that was a digression. I am fighting an election against a Tory so forgive me. [Although, to defend my opponent, she is a youngish woman of ordinary background who completely blows my argument out of the water...but let's never let real life get in the way of blind prejudice.]
Parliament needs minor reforms which are not rocket science:
1. Give MPs a reasonable salary and then abolish the ludicrous expenses scheme. Pay distant MPs additional costs for travel and given them all a standard allowance for a second home in London based on the cost of renting a one bedroomed flat or buying one in one of the cheaper parts of the capital within easy public transport reach of Westminster. If they want something more, they can pay for it. If they bleat about having their families around, give them a P45 and tell them to work for someone else.
2. Introduce a sensible voting system and fixed term Parliaments. Blindingly obvious to all but the most stupid of individuals.
3. Elect the House of Lords based on sensible regions, not the disastrous ones the Tories devised in the 1980s.
4. Ban any man entering the building wearing tights. If they persist, sit them down and explain that it is now the 21st century. If they want to wear tights, give them a list of appropriate clubs in their area and invite them to join one of them. In other words, update the practices of the legislature - that's legislature, not house of varieties or recording of 'The Good Old Days, ladies and gentlemen - and tell anyone stuck in the past to move on.
Everything else is less important. These four reforms will make everything more logical and intelligible and any attempt by HM Government under the Luddite in Chief to set up an elaborate commission should be resisted by anyone wishing to retain their seat whenever they manage to prise Gordon's whitened knuckles from the reins of power.
Around this comment by Mr Johnson, others have mentioned reform and it is reassuring to see the pendulum swinging back to somewhere near to equilibrium. Sure, a large number of our politicians have let us down badly but this does not mean the system is fundamentally flawed. And - a key 'and' here so it shall go in capitals - MOST OF THEM WERE TORIES. This pleases me as John Tory must be found out before the next election.
He has not changed. He is not 'new'. He is the same old right wing, anti-European, mildly bigoted person we all know and cope with, like that uncle we all try to avoid who smokes 40 a day, drinks Campari and calls people 'darkies' but who is a relative so who comes along to all the family events.
Anyway, that was a digression. I am fighting an election against a Tory so forgive me. [Although, to defend my opponent, she is a youngish woman of ordinary background who completely blows my argument out of the water...but let's never let real life get in the way of blind prejudice.]
Parliament needs minor reforms which are not rocket science:
1. Give MPs a reasonable salary and then abolish the ludicrous expenses scheme. Pay distant MPs additional costs for travel and given them all a standard allowance for a second home in London based on the cost of renting a one bedroomed flat or buying one in one of the cheaper parts of the capital within easy public transport reach of Westminster. If they want something more, they can pay for it. If they bleat about having their families around, give them a P45 and tell them to work for someone else.
2. Introduce a sensible voting system and fixed term Parliaments. Blindingly obvious to all but the most stupid of individuals.
3. Elect the House of Lords based on sensible regions, not the disastrous ones the Tories devised in the 1980s.
4. Ban any man entering the building wearing tights. If they persist, sit them down and explain that it is now the 21st century. If they want to wear tights, give them a list of appropriate clubs in their area and invite them to join one of them. In other words, update the practices of the legislature - that's legislature, not house of varieties or recording of 'The Good Old Days, ladies and gentlemen - and tell anyone stuck in the past to move on.
Everything else is less important. These four reforms will make everything more logical and intelligible and any attempt by HM Government under the Luddite in Chief to set up an elaborate commission should be resisted by anyone wishing to retain their seat whenever they manage to prise Gordon's whitened knuckles from the reins of power.
YOU SAY UBUNTU, I SAY OOBONTOO
If you're one of those hanging on my every post on ubuntu, here's my gen on upgrading to 9.04, the latest release. If you're not, seriously - move on.
I have just done this upgrade - in about four goes as my wireless link is not ideal. Still, we eventually got there and today I started up my computer only to get a lovely, blank beige screen. Cue panic as all my election material is on this computer.
I started it up about 16 times to get the same lovely beige...but b*gger all else. The panic rose so I decided to take a practical approach and to press every option I could. One of ubuntu's minor failings is that it offers me a series of options for start up programs which I had to run through to try every possibility.
Remarkably, it eventually worked. My computer slipped into scary DOS and offered me lots of choices, including 'repair' which seemed a good route to go down. Cue lots of script and lots of questions I did not understand. Luckily I seemed to guess right and, after about 15 minutes of agonising waiting and lots of 1980s computer script scrolling up the screen in very 'War Games' style, bingo! We were back in action.
The new system is a little smoother and I also now have Open Office 3.0, the benefits of which I have yet to establish. I suppose I should commend Ubuntu for allowing me to solve the problem with a small injection of common sense but it wasn't straightforward. The summary is perhaps that it cannot be said to be as idiot-proof as Windows - with the huge rider that this refers to when Windows is working, of course. When Windows goes down, you are well and truly stuffed.
To use an analogy, I still love Ubuntu but if I catch it eyeing up those laptops in PC World I will start to suspect it of cheating of me...The honeymoon is over but the marriage remains strong.
I have just done this upgrade - in about four goes as my wireless link is not ideal. Still, we eventually got there and today I started up my computer only to get a lovely, blank beige screen. Cue panic as all my election material is on this computer.
I started it up about 16 times to get the same lovely beige...but b*gger all else. The panic rose so I decided to take a practical approach and to press every option I could. One of ubuntu's minor failings is that it offers me a series of options for start up programs which I had to run through to try every possibility.
Remarkably, it eventually worked. My computer slipped into scary DOS and offered me lots of choices, including 'repair' which seemed a good route to go down. Cue lots of script and lots of questions I did not understand. Luckily I seemed to guess right and, after about 15 minutes of agonising waiting and lots of 1980s computer script scrolling up the screen in very 'War Games' style, bingo! We were back in action.
The new system is a little smoother and I also now have Open Office 3.0, the benefits of which I have yet to establish. I suppose I should commend Ubuntu for allowing me to solve the problem with a small injection of common sense but it wasn't straightforward. The summary is perhaps that it cannot be said to be as idiot-proof as Windows - with the huge rider that this refers to when Windows is working, of course. When Windows goes down, you are well and truly stuffed.
To use an analogy, I still love Ubuntu but if I catch it eyeing up those laptops in PC World I will start to suspect it of cheating of me...The honeymoon is over but the marriage remains strong.
Thursday, 21 May 2009
PMQs - PLUS CA CHANGE...
The Chamber was packed as usual with the Speaker's Chair replaced by a set of stocks in which the Great Man was sat looking like the man whose blind date turned out to be Sharon Osborne. Rotten tomatoes slid gently off his person and a cabbage sat on his head. The House was filled with the acrid smell of bank statements and receipts being burnt on makeshift bonfires.
Doug Elghorn (Expenses-on-the-Moat South Central) asked the Prime Minister if he agreed that his luxury yacht could be considered a legitimate expense for visiting residents in his Midlands constituency. The Prime Minister began to sob quietly as he rose and responded that all such matters would be considered by one of the array of new committees he planned to set up to ensure that MPs' expenses were looked into rigorously and that appropriate action could be taken at a suitable point once some other poor sod had the responsibility for the problem.
The Other Poor Sod duly rose, his brow furrowed like a newly ploughed field in the Spring frost in his Witney constituency. His gaze set to more earnest than Jeremy Paxman squeezing one out after a 14 day diet of eggs, Dave asked the Prime Minister if he truly repented of all his sins and the sins of his party. David Davis, dressed in his usual sackcloth and ashes, began to glow perceptibly.
The Prime Minister responded that yea, verily he did and that all MPs must atone and prepare for the day of judgement, which approacheth sometime next year. Harriet Harman was heard to suppress a snort as she flicked through a Civil Service brochure of 'Opposition Leader's cars'.
Dave rose again, brandishing a small ceremonial whip which he proceeded to flail across his back as he asked his second question: would the Prime Minister bring forth the day of judgement to this year so that, verily, they could all be judged now. Gordon, brandishing a small cat o' nine tails, set about his own back as he replied that he might look stupid [loud murmers of approval around the Chamber] but he wasn't quite ready to jump into his own grave. Instead the whole House should repent, repent! He glared at the Speaker, who sighed, absent-mindedly picking an old orange from his coat.
Hazel Blears stood up and, in a display of atonement, attempted to decapitate herself with a hand axe. Being shorter than the outcome of a coupling between a munchkin and an oompa loompa, even she misjudged where her head was and missed by a mile. Her axe instead buried itself in Ed Balls but, given that he is securely encased in several feet of his own ego, he remained unharmed.
Dave, setting about his head with a cosh to show due humility, said the people of Britain wanted to judge MPs now and that they should consequently surrender to the will of the people, on the strict understanding that this was his position at the moment but that further revelations may make the Tories' poll rating go up or down, at which point he would like to revise his demands. The Tory benches commended him for coming as close as he ever had to making a concrete commitment. Gordon was raised to the dispatch box on a makeshift rack fashioned from order papers which loyal minions – aided by a gleeful Harriet Harman – were tightening. As he screamed in pain, he thanked them and reminded the leader of the opposition that no one on the Labour benches had a moat [a few Labour MPs of the old school attempted to correct him but were beaten down soundly by their colleagues] and that Dave might seek to get his own house in order first before seeking the judgement of the electorate. He added a 'yea' and a 'verily' on the end for good measure. David Davis sat carving two tablets of stones with what seemed to be 'commandments'.
Dave, his hands tied and his feet being beaten with paddles, repeated his demand for an early election. The British People should have the opportunity to decide on the future of the House as MPs had let them down. At this point onions were brandished by the Tory benches and they began to sob in unison, with the exception of Ken Clarke who reached for what looked like a hip flask.
Gordon rose, his best cat's behind pout on his face and wearing a mail overcoat which loyal minions were applying wires to from a car battery. He replied between shrieks of pain that the Right Honourable Gentleman would do well to remember his upbringing and to avoid any statements about unnecessary expenses which he might come to regret. Many MPs struggled to survive on their salaries and they needed support to afford items to support them in their second homes. Sir Peter Viggers was heard to agree, complaining audibly about the cost of a floating duck island. He was later carried out and is expected to make a full recovery, although he may never speak again – if he knows what's good for him...
Keith Vaz rose and asked the Prime Minister if he would join him in celebrating the fact that the dodgy MP for Leicester was for once not implicated in any scandal. The Prime Minister said it was indeed a shocker but that he was sure that the wealth of sleaze associated with Mr Vaz would eventually find its way to the media sluices.
At this point Joanna Lovely burst into the Chamber, flanked by several embarrassed Nepalese gentlemen. She glared at the Prime Minister and demanded that he allow the Gurkhas and their families to live in Britain. A number of Tories threw flowers at her feet and several proposed marriage. Ms Lovely, ever the consummate professional, glared on.
Gordon gawped, attempted to speak, faltered, then caved in, to rousing applause from the House, more roses and a number of further proposals. One Conservative ran from the benches to prostrate himself in front of Ms Lovely, declaring his undying love. He had to be hauled back to his place by embarrassed colleagues, some of whom took the opportunity to touch Ms Lovely's clothes. David Davis looked on, nonplussed at not being the semi-religious object of respect on this occasion.
Ms Lovely gave them all 'that look', screamed her war cry “Will there be cameras?!” and trooped out. Some of the Nepalese remained in the Chamber, not sure what to do. Eventually, they sat with the Nationalists, secure in their mutual incomprehension of each other.
Then it was Nickers' turn. He stood up, naked but for a loin cloth, being beaten with birch twigs by his colleagues – well, we are Liberals, after all. Looking earnest, tearful and bloody angry all at the same time, Nickers asked the Prime Minister if he agreed that the whole thing was shocking and wasn't he outraged and generally fed up. The Prime Minister, slightly bemused, agreed.
Nickers said that he did too and pledged that the Liberal Democrats would pay for the trouser press Chris Huhne had bought on expenses and promised action to ensure that when the next scandal breaks the Lib Dems would have something a bit more interesting to be revealed than just a bloody trouser press. Andrew George attempted to speak but a swift punch to the groin from Lynne Featherstone put paid to that. Nickers continued that he had set up a 'Moat' commission to look into this and promised action to become as sleazy as the Tories, although accepting that it would take decades to achieve their standard.
Gordon Brown couldn't think of anything to say so he restricted himself to pouring a bucket of slurry over the Speaker's head to rousing applause.
Ann Widdecombe then rose and actually made sense. All these years in Parliament spouting pseudo-religious tosh and this time she actually made sense. She reminded the Prime Minister that MPs should be paid more so that they didn't need to claim expenses and asked him to ensure that this was looked at. The House sat in silence as they marvelled as Ms Widdecombe's foray into 'the real world'. Eventually Gordon Brown replied that this was a very sensible suggestion and that in consequence his government would have to mangle it out of all recognition as he would be damned if anything practical came out of this whole debacle. A murmur of assent spread across the Chamber as MPs pretended to busy themselves with their Blackberries.
As the Prime Minister sat down the Speaker rose with some difficulty, his robes soiled and torn and the stocks he was locked into now forming a bizarre set of anklets. With his legs akimbo he presented a more formidable figure than he has managed to do for some years. He raised his hand in defiance and began to speak but the weight of the stocks carried him forwards so that he finished up prone between the clerks in front of him. Ken Clarke was heard to remark that this was the furthest he had moved on any issue since being elected to the exalted position.
David Davis leapt to his feet, having donned his best Charlton Heston beard and brandishing his now completed tablets with his 'commandments'. He demanded that the House repent and surrender itself to God while there was still time. Dave glared at him for making such a clear statement on anything, which simply wasn't what the modern Conservative Party was about under his leadership. Everyone else ignored him.
Finally, Lembit Opik rose, his harmonica on hold and his cheeky grin absent as he contemplated his next foray into the media. Katie Price would be single soon, he mused...He regained himself and asked Gordon whether he expected reforms of Parliament to be in place this year. Gordon responded that he had been advised that a cooler period in Hades might occur and following this extraordinary event he expected firm action immediately. Ed Vaizey looked blank at this but luckily a neighbour was on hand to explain that reform would occur when Hell froze over.
The Speaker called 'Ordure, Ordure' and the session ended with MPs emptying out into the corridors of the House to sell any spare nick nacks they could to waiting spivs in an attempt to repay countless claims they could not justify in a month of Sundays.
[Etc, etc, ad nauseum until the end of time. Mark my words...]
Doug Elghorn (Expenses-on-the-Moat South Central) asked the Prime Minister if he agreed that his luxury yacht could be considered a legitimate expense for visiting residents in his Midlands constituency. The Prime Minister began to sob quietly as he rose and responded that all such matters would be considered by one of the array of new committees he planned to set up to ensure that MPs' expenses were looked into rigorously and that appropriate action could be taken at a suitable point once some other poor sod had the responsibility for the problem.
The Other Poor Sod duly rose, his brow furrowed like a newly ploughed field in the Spring frost in his Witney constituency. His gaze set to more earnest than Jeremy Paxman squeezing one out after a 14 day diet of eggs, Dave asked the Prime Minister if he truly repented of all his sins and the sins of his party. David Davis, dressed in his usual sackcloth and ashes, began to glow perceptibly.
The Prime Minister responded that yea, verily he did and that all MPs must atone and prepare for the day of judgement, which approacheth sometime next year. Harriet Harman was heard to suppress a snort as she flicked through a Civil Service brochure of 'Opposition Leader's cars'.
Dave rose again, brandishing a small ceremonial whip which he proceeded to flail across his back as he asked his second question: would the Prime Minister bring forth the day of judgement to this year so that, verily, they could all be judged now. Gordon, brandishing a small cat o' nine tails, set about his own back as he replied that he might look stupid [loud murmers of approval around the Chamber] but he wasn't quite ready to jump into his own grave. Instead the whole House should repent, repent! He glared at the Speaker, who sighed, absent-mindedly picking an old orange from his coat.
Hazel Blears stood up and, in a display of atonement, attempted to decapitate herself with a hand axe. Being shorter than the outcome of a coupling between a munchkin and an oompa loompa, even she misjudged where her head was and missed by a mile. Her axe instead buried itself in Ed Balls but, given that he is securely encased in several feet of his own ego, he remained unharmed.
Dave, setting about his head with a cosh to show due humility, said the people of Britain wanted to judge MPs now and that they should consequently surrender to the will of the people, on the strict understanding that this was his position at the moment but that further revelations may make the Tories' poll rating go up or down, at which point he would like to revise his demands. The Tory benches commended him for coming as close as he ever had to making a concrete commitment. Gordon was raised to the dispatch box on a makeshift rack fashioned from order papers which loyal minions – aided by a gleeful Harriet Harman – were tightening. As he screamed in pain, he thanked them and reminded the leader of the opposition that no one on the Labour benches had a moat [a few Labour MPs of the old school attempted to correct him but were beaten down soundly by their colleagues] and that Dave might seek to get his own house in order first before seeking the judgement of the electorate. He added a 'yea' and a 'verily' on the end for good measure. David Davis sat carving two tablets of stones with what seemed to be 'commandments'.
Dave, his hands tied and his feet being beaten with paddles, repeated his demand for an early election. The British People should have the opportunity to decide on the future of the House as MPs had let them down. At this point onions were brandished by the Tory benches and they began to sob in unison, with the exception of Ken Clarke who reached for what looked like a hip flask.
Gordon rose, his best cat's behind pout on his face and wearing a mail overcoat which loyal minions were applying wires to from a car battery. He replied between shrieks of pain that the Right Honourable Gentleman would do well to remember his upbringing and to avoid any statements about unnecessary expenses which he might come to regret. Many MPs struggled to survive on their salaries and they needed support to afford items to support them in their second homes. Sir Peter Viggers was heard to agree, complaining audibly about the cost of a floating duck island. He was later carried out and is expected to make a full recovery, although he may never speak again – if he knows what's good for him...
Keith Vaz rose and asked the Prime Minister if he would join him in celebrating the fact that the dodgy MP for Leicester was for once not implicated in any scandal. The Prime Minister said it was indeed a shocker but that he was sure that the wealth of sleaze associated with Mr Vaz would eventually find its way to the media sluices.
At this point Joanna Lovely burst into the Chamber, flanked by several embarrassed Nepalese gentlemen. She glared at the Prime Minister and demanded that he allow the Gurkhas and their families to live in Britain. A number of Tories threw flowers at her feet and several proposed marriage. Ms Lovely, ever the consummate professional, glared on.
Gordon gawped, attempted to speak, faltered, then caved in, to rousing applause from the House, more roses and a number of further proposals. One Conservative ran from the benches to prostrate himself in front of Ms Lovely, declaring his undying love. He had to be hauled back to his place by embarrassed colleagues, some of whom took the opportunity to touch Ms Lovely's clothes. David Davis looked on, nonplussed at not being the semi-religious object of respect on this occasion.
Ms Lovely gave them all 'that look', screamed her war cry “Will there be cameras?!” and trooped out. Some of the Nepalese remained in the Chamber, not sure what to do. Eventually, they sat with the Nationalists, secure in their mutual incomprehension of each other.
Then it was Nickers' turn. He stood up, naked but for a loin cloth, being beaten with birch twigs by his colleagues – well, we are Liberals, after all. Looking earnest, tearful and bloody angry all at the same time, Nickers asked the Prime Minister if he agreed that the whole thing was shocking and wasn't he outraged and generally fed up. The Prime Minister, slightly bemused, agreed.
Nickers said that he did too and pledged that the Liberal Democrats would pay for the trouser press Chris Huhne had bought on expenses and promised action to ensure that when the next scandal breaks the Lib Dems would have something a bit more interesting to be revealed than just a bloody trouser press. Andrew George attempted to speak but a swift punch to the groin from Lynne Featherstone put paid to that. Nickers continued that he had set up a 'Moat' commission to look into this and promised action to become as sleazy as the Tories, although accepting that it would take decades to achieve their standard.
Gordon Brown couldn't think of anything to say so he restricted himself to pouring a bucket of slurry over the Speaker's head to rousing applause.
Ann Widdecombe then rose and actually made sense. All these years in Parliament spouting pseudo-religious tosh and this time she actually made sense. She reminded the Prime Minister that MPs should be paid more so that they didn't need to claim expenses and asked him to ensure that this was looked at. The House sat in silence as they marvelled as Ms Widdecombe's foray into 'the real world'. Eventually Gordon Brown replied that this was a very sensible suggestion and that in consequence his government would have to mangle it out of all recognition as he would be damned if anything practical came out of this whole debacle. A murmur of assent spread across the Chamber as MPs pretended to busy themselves with their Blackberries.
As the Prime Minister sat down the Speaker rose with some difficulty, his robes soiled and torn and the stocks he was locked into now forming a bizarre set of anklets. With his legs akimbo he presented a more formidable figure than he has managed to do for some years. He raised his hand in defiance and began to speak but the weight of the stocks carried him forwards so that he finished up prone between the clerks in front of him. Ken Clarke was heard to remark that this was the furthest he had moved on any issue since being elected to the exalted position.
David Davis leapt to his feet, having donned his best Charlton Heston beard and brandishing his now completed tablets with his 'commandments'. He demanded that the House repent and surrender itself to God while there was still time. Dave glared at him for making such a clear statement on anything, which simply wasn't what the modern Conservative Party was about under his leadership. Everyone else ignored him.
Finally, Lembit Opik rose, his harmonica on hold and his cheeky grin absent as he contemplated his next foray into the media. Katie Price would be single soon, he mused...He regained himself and asked Gordon whether he expected reforms of Parliament to be in place this year. Gordon responded that he had been advised that a cooler period in Hades might occur and following this extraordinary event he expected firm action immediately. Ed Vaizey looked blank at this but luckily a neighbour was on hand to explain that reform would occur when Hell froze over.
The Speaker called 'Ordure, Ordure' and the session ended with MPs emptying out into the corridors of the House to sell any spare nick nacks they could to waiting spivs in an attempt to repay countless claims they could not justify in a month of Sundays.
[Etc, etc, ad nauseum until the end of time. Mark my words...]
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
DAVE SPEAKS BUT ONCE MORE NOTHING COMES OUT
David Cameron is a remarkable politician. He has taken over his party, transformed its fortunes through a clever mix of presentation and manufactured showdowns and he has manoeuvred himself into the position of Prime Minister-in-waiting - and all without saying anything at all. He even tells us he's green. And I'm the Queen of Sheba.
This morning this brilliant performer was on the Today programme at this key moment in our national political life. Parliament is in meltdown, politicians have been found out, the political system is cracking under the strain and the spotlight has been shone on Mr Speaker, exposing all his myriad failings, most notably his inability to extract his head from the government's fundament, which is not quite the job of Mr Speaker. At least he's now resigned and good riddance really is the most charitable thing which can be said there.
So, Dave must have relished his chance to speak on the radio. You can visualise the furrowed, serious, 'I really care' brow and the earnest demeanour. Dave was asked repeatedly by a remarkably coherent John Humphreys if he would call for the tarnished Speaker of the House to go and repeatedly Dave said it was a matter for others to decide. As the leader of a major party it was not his role to comment or to tell others what to do.
Humphreys asked again and again the unconscionably earnest Dave swerved, saying it was not his role to tell others what to do. Humphreys persisted and Dave ducked and dived like John Travolta in a white suit.
Whoops, Dave. There seems to have been another opportunity to lead the debate ludicrously missed. It was the political equivalent of an open goal.
More parochially, in Oxfordshire two new waste incinerators - er 'energy from waste facilities' - are planned and five MPs have come out publicly opposed to the new facilities. There are six Oxfordshire MPs, so one did not make any comment on this. David Cameron is an Oxfordshire MP. Can you guess which one made no comment, saying instead that it was a matter for others.
Furrowed brow, earnest voice, natch...
Putting aside my contempt for all things blue and my disdain for Dave's sophistry, you have to worry about the future of our country if, in this period of turmoil the man who wants to run things cannot give a view on anything. One imagines his house - houses, sorry - is/are like a supermarket, with an array of breakfast cereals on offer and Dave repeatedly refusing to confirm which cereal he wants to have in his bowl. This is not a decision for now, he must tell his wife with brow furrowed like a newly ploughed field. We need to consider the conditions in the cereal world when we enter government as, until then the full picture will not be clear.
How long can Ducking, Diving Dave be allowed to continue with this equivocation before he is seriously tested - and how long can the country cope with a leader who can't make decisions. We seem to be hurtling back to the 1990s and the great John Major.
So, we've had Life on Mars where Sam Tyler wakes up in a nightmare of time travel back to a dysfunctional period. We've had Ashes to Ashes, where Alex Drake is in a nightmare of time travel etc etc. And now perhaps it will be 'Under Pressure' where DI Dave Cameron wakes up in a nightmare repeat of the 1990s with the Tories reviving the Cones Hotline, disintegrating over Europe, perhaps dragging the country down with them as they once again descend into infighting due to a weak leader.
I feel the same sense of horror as Sam Tyler and Alex Drake felt when they woke up. Nurse! The Screens!
This morning this brilliant performer was on the Today programme at this key moment in our national political life. Parliament is in meltdown, politicians have been found out, the political system is cracking under the strain and the spotlight has been shone on Mr Speaker, exposing all his myriad failings, most notably his inability to extract his head from the government's fundament, which is not quite the job of Mr Speaker. At least he's now resigned and good riddance really is the most charitable thing which can be said there.
So, Dave must have relished his chance to speak on the radio. You can visualise the furrowed, serious, 'I really care' brow and the earnest demeanour. Dave was asked repeatedly by a remarkably coherent John Humphreys if he would call for the tarnished Speaker of the House to go and repeatedly Dave said it was a matter for others to decide. As the leader of a major party it was not his role to comment or to tell others what to do.
Humphreys asked again and again the unconscionably earnest Dave swerved, saying it was not his role to tell others what to do. Humphreys persisted and Dave ducked and dived like John Travolta in a white suit.
Whoops, Dave. There seems to have been another opportunity to lead the debate ludicrously missed. It was the political equivalent of an open goal.
More parochially, in Oxfordshire two new waste incinerators - er 'energy from waste facilities' - are planned and five MPs have come out publicly opposed to the new facilities. There are six Oxfordshire MPs, so one did not make any comment on this. David Cameron is an Oxfordshire MP. Can you guess which one made no comment, saying instead that it was a matter for others.
Furrowed brow, earnest voice, natch...
Putting aside my contempt for all things blue and my disdain for Dave's sophistry, you have to worry about the future of our country if, in this period of turmoil the man who wants to run things cannot give a view on anything. One imagines his house - houses, sorry - is/are like a supermarket, with an array of breakfast cereals on offer and Dave repeatedly refusing to confirm which cereal he wants to have in his bowl. This is not a decision for now, he must tell his wife with brow furrowed like a newly ploughed field. We need to consider the conditions in the cereal world when we enter government as, until then the full picture will not be clear.
How long can Ducking, Diving Dave be allowed to continue with this equivocation before he is seriously tested - and how long can the country cope with a leader who can't make decisions. We seem to be hurtling back to the 1990s and the great John Major.
So, we've had Life on Mars where Sam Tyler wakes up in a nightmare of time travel back to a dysfunctional period. We've had Ashes to Ashes, where Alex Drake is in a nightmare of time travel etc etc. And now perhaps it will be 'Under Pressure' where DI Dave Cameron wakes up in a nightmare repeat of the 1990s with the Tories reviving the Cones Hotline, disintegrating over Europe, perhaps dragging the country down with them as they once again descend into infighting due to a weak leader.
I feel the same sense of horror as Sam Tyler and Alex Drake felt when they woke up. Nurse! The Screens!
Tuesday, 12 May 2009
EH? WASSAT? LARGE ESPRESSO...ER, I MEAN VOTE FOR ME...
Sheesh, it was never meant to be like this. I was supposed to be carried to power on a wave of acclamation with an adoring team of Obama-esque acolytes attending to my every whim. Instead I am stuffing and delivering all my own mailings, which I wrote myself, and looking forward to more of the same for the rest of the week - and indeed for weeks to come.
My feet feel like they have been assailed by a madman with a razor blade and my family are a distant memory.
So, after a full day of shoving bits of tree through letterboxes across the area I went home for a brief shower, a couple of cups of tea and a bag of chips which tasted like the finest caviar, after which it was down to folding, stuffing and sorting yet more mailings which muggins here might find himself doing alone once more. I have some very kind people who have offered to help but I haven't got my delivery network up and running. I fear that even when such a grand-sounding institution does come into existence I will still find myself applying the plasters to my aching plates.
So this is politics: slog, sweat and expense. And the appeal is...?
Well, that's the problem. Its bloody brilliant being stopped by someone and telling them bashfully that you are the candidate. Luckily in my part of the world people tend - important word, that - to be rather pleasant so there's been little aggro so far. It's a drug and, my aching feet, bags under my eyes and general sense of blind panic notwithstanding, I just can't get enough of it!
My feet feel like they have been assailed by a madman with a razor blade and my family are a distant memory.
So, after a full day of shoving bits of tree through letterboxes across the area I went home for a brief shower, a couple of cups of tea and a bag of chips which tasted like the finest caviar, after which it was down to folding, stuffing and sorting yet more mailings which muggins here might find himself doing alone once more. I have some very kind people who have offered to help but I haven't got my delivery network up and running. I fear that even when such a grand-sounding institution does come into existence I will still find myself applying the plasters to my aching plates.
So this is politics: slog, sweat and expense. And the appeal is...?
Well, that's the problem. Its bloody brilliant being stopped by someone and telling them bashfully that you are the candidate. Luckily in my part of the world people tend - important word, that - to be rather pleasant so there's been little aggro so far. It's a drug and, my aching feet, bags under my eyes and general sense of blind panic notwithstanding, I just can't get enough of it!
Saturday, 9 May 2009
NIGEL FARAGE? NO.
Apparently Nigel Farage, 'leader' of UKIP, says his 'party' of dissolute Daily Mail readers could bring down the government.
Oh dear. No, Mr Farage. Now f*** off to those marginal Tory seats and do your worst but leave the rest of us alone.
Oh dear. No, Mr Farage. Now f*** off to those marginal Tory seats and do your worst but leave the rest of us alone.
GOSH, ISN'T JOANNA SIMPLY SUPER?!
Joanna Lovely is doing a super job with her campaign for the gurkhas, isn't she? Her link with the regiment through her father is clear and she is obviously passionate about the issue of fair treatment for them. She's a super actress and (all together now) a national treasure.
Gosh, I think she'd say.
However, when I take away the Vaseline drenched lens for a second I can't help but find the class warrior in me leaping out with a 'Spanish Inquisition' flourish. May I put on record most firmly that I am no fan of any Labour minister and I think the government has pointed the 12 bore resolutely at its collective size ten clodhopper over this issue but still Ms Lovely's 'mugging' of the minister in front of the febrile media at 4 Millbank was quite simply devious and low.
Of course someone with the wit of a Ken Clarke would have batted her away far more effectively and Phil Woolas is no Ken Clarke. However, the general paucity of talent within the government can't detract from the simple fact that a posh blonde celeb is controlling the political agenda of the country and doing it with a cynicism that the average politician would be roundly pilloried for.
I'm not sure this is good for our political system.
Gosh, I think she'd say.
However, when I take away the Vaseline drenched lens for a second I can't help but find the class warrior in me leaping out with a 'Spanish Inquisition' flourish. May I put on record most firmly that I am no fan of any Labour minister and I think the government has pointed the 12 bore resolutely at its collective size ten clodhopper over this issue but still Ms Lovely's 'mugging' of the minister in front of the febrile media at 4 Millbank was quite simply devious and low.
Of course someone with the wit of a Ken Clarke would have batted her away far more effectively and Phil Woolas is no Ken Clarke. However, the general paucity of talent within the government can't detract from the simple fact that a posh blonde celeb is controlling the political agenda of the country and doing it with a cynicism that the average politician would be roundly pilloried for.
I'm not sure this is good for our political system.
Tuesday, 5 May 2009
ER...REALLY, I AM GONNA GET MYSELF ELECTED. IF I SURVIVE THE CAMPAIGN
Blimey, careful what you wish for...I have always wanted to stand seriously for election and when I do the b*ggers expect me to work for it!
I am now the proud owner of a pair of shoes which disintegrated while delivering, so now when I am next cornered by some anorak at conference who tells me about his exploits in the 1973 Exeter Borough by-election, I can return fire with my own equally sad 'shoes' convo.
I now have to find time in the day to write one target and two squeeze letters, plus design a leaflet, although on that last one someone has sent me a wonderful local one which I intend to steal from, lock, stock and pathetic ex-Wimbledon footballer's cliche.
Add to that my new job being paid peanuts (although I don't think I can even afford bar snacks on what I am being paid by the esteemed person in question - no names, no pack drill) to work in an MP's office and offer some assistance in their patch and its getting so as my kids scream when I come into the house as they don't know who the strange man with the bags under his eyes is.
Why are LD MPs so blasted honest?! I could really do with a sleazy salary to rival the average Labour researcher or chinless Tory duffer fresh out of Eton.
Still, seriously, I wouldn't swap the experience for the world...Would you?
I am now the proud owner of a pair of shoes which disintegrated while delivering, so now when I am next cornered by some anorak at conference who tells me about his exploits in the 1973 Exeter Borough by-election, I can return fire with my own equally sad 'shoes' convo.
I now have to find time in the day to write one target and two squeeze letters, plus design a leaflet, although on that last one someone has sent me a wonderful local one which I intend to steal from, lock, stock and pathetic ex-Wimbledon footballer's cliche.
Add to that my new job being paid peanuts (although I don't think I can even afford bar snacks on what I am being paid by the esteemed person in question - no names, no pack drill) to work in an MP's office and offer some assistance in their patch and its getting so as my kids scream when I come into the house as they don't know who the strange man with the bags under his eyes is.
Why are LD MPs so blasted honest?! I could really do with a sleazy salary to rival the average Labour researcher or chinless Tory duffer fresh out of Eton.
Still, seriously, I wouldn't swap the experience for the world...Would you?
Wednesday, 29 April 2009
URGENT NEWS RE SWINE FEVER
My brother in law tried to ring the swine fever helpline but all he got was crackling...
Er, 'boom boom'?
Er, 'boom boom'?
GONNA GET MYSELF ELECTED...?
After seven years of working for a group of councillors I now find myself vying to become one. For the first time in my life I am standing properly for election, rather than simply being a paperless candidate.
It is nice to be thrust into the front line as I have spent years biting my tongue. No doubt the charming local Tories will get up to their usual tricks of not quite telling the truth about anything and accusing me of drinking the blood of infants [nothing was proven...] but my election plan is to give it back with both barrels.
It is difficult to hide my excitement and with luck and the gift of time I will document the events of the coming weeks hereon.
I have missed the chance to really go at the Tories during my last eight weeks of enforced leisure. My only thought now is 'bring it on'!
It is nice to be thrust into the front line as I have spent years biting my tongue. No doubt the charming local Tories will get up to their usual tricks of not quite telling the truth about anything and accusing me of drinking the blood of infants [nothing was proven...] but my election plan is to give it back with both barrels.
It is difficult to hide my excitement and with luck and the gift of time I will document the events of the coming weeks hereon.
I have missed the chance to really go at the Tories during my last eight weeks of enforced leisure. My only thought now is 'bring it on'!
Sunday, 19 April 2009
SO A POLITICIANS SMEARS ANOTHER POLITICIAN. AND THE STORY IS...?
I have been into politics since I was a child and would consider myself a political junkie. However, I am struggling with the whole Damian McBride smear story. The media is reporting this as if its the death knell for Gordon Brown and as if the fact that one political party smears another is somehow an earth shattering revelation. It isn't.
Even the usually excellent Andrew Grice in the Independent is wading into the fray, predicting doom for Brown next year. The trouble is that none of these commentators recognises that this story is fundamentally parochial. It is a Westminster Bubble issue which the average voter facing redundancy or repossession could not give a stuff about.
This, in my oh-so-humble opinion, is what gives politics a bad name. The country is falling to pieces around their ears and all politicians care about is name calling in the playground.
Maybe, in a nutshell, this is why Vince has become such an icon: because he is tediously interested in proper issues, like the economy and bees, the kinds of things which people actually care about.
To me the real story remains the fact that the Tories are playing all the right mood music but they still remain completely devoid of any substance. If the pundits are to be believed - and I wouldn't, would you? - the Tories are strolling to electoral success on the back of a sharp suit and a bunch of flowers.
Wouldn't it be wonderful to see someone say that the Damian McBride issue is simply not an issue and the devastation being wreaked all around us in the 'real world' may perhaps be given a slightly higher priority by the good people of Westminster.
Sadly, it isn't going to happen and the election next year will be decided on looks not substance.
Even the usually excellent Andrew Grice in the Independent is wading into the fray, predicting doom for Brown next year. The trouble is that none of these commentators recognises that this story is fundamentally parochial. It is a Westminster Bubble issue which the average voter facing redundancy or repossession could not give a stuff about.
This, in my oh-so-humble opinion, is what gives politics a bad name. The country is falling to pieces around their ears and all politicians care about is name calling in the playground.
Maybe, in a nutshell, this is why Vince has become such an icon: because he is tediously interested in proper issues, like the economy and bees, the kinds of things which people actually care about.
To me the real story remains the fact that the Tories are playing all the right mood music but they still remain completely devoid of any substance. If the pundits are to be believed - and I wouldn't, would you? - the Tories are strolling to electoral success on the back of a sharp suit and a bunch of flowers.
Wouldn't it be wonderful to see someone say that the Damian McBride issue is simply not an issue and the devastation being wreaked all around us in the 'real world' may perhaps be given a slightly higher priority by the good people of Westminster.
Sadly, it isn't going to happen and the election next year will be decided on looks not substance.
Tuesday, 7 April 2009
WADDYA KNOW? THE LAW IS AN ASS!
I have just attended my first ever court case, a civil hearing before a judge at which someone I had a car accident with was claiming costs against me. This has been rumbling on for a year so in many ways I have been looking forward to resolving this.
I have completed statement after statement, drawn pictures until I could have given Tony Hart a run for his money and generally argued the toss about everything in detail.
Naturally, I did my best to tell the truth as the other person hit me, so it was in my interests to do so. It was their fault so where was the problem – or so I believed in my innocence...Also it was such a minor collision that I didn't even get my car fixed. I decided that the dent on my driver's door adds to my car's invulnerability in car parks and the like since it is such a pigsty that no one in their right mind would think or breaking into it or stealing it.
Unfortunately the hearing didn't take place in the real world. Oh no. It took place in the wacky world of motor insurance where night is day, where unicorns roam in Africa and where flying pigs flock across our skies.
As if by magic in this wonderful otherworld the accident moved to a different location, I did everything wrong, I pulled out in front of the other person – on a fast road with my baby daughter in in the car, as you would – and I lied about everything possible. Bastard!
The other person told such a wonderful tale that we needed to pass round the tissues at one stage. I cursed myself for being such a terrible driver and | felt for them as they revealed that, actually everything I believed – indeed knew – to be true as I was there at the time of the incident was complete and utter nonsense. I was ashamed.
I should of course have known for I have had one or two insurance claims before and the tales that are told have all been worthy of Hans Christian Anderson.
So now, having endured my first – and I hope only – court hearing and been told I am a liar, a cheat and a thoroughly bad egg I will remember to my dying breath that where cars are concerned the only thing to do is to lie, lie and lie again.
What a great system it is.
NB: the other party's insurance company was Direct Line and I would like to state for the the record that a bigger bunch of shysters and crooks does not exist this side of Helmand.
I have completed statement after statement, drawn pictures until I could have given Tony Hart a run for his money and generally argued the toss about everything in detail.
Naturally, I did my best to tell the truth as the other person hit me, so it was in my interests to do so. It was their fault so where was the problem – or so I believed in my innocence...Also it was such a minor collision that I didn't even get my car fixed. I decided that the dent on my driver's door adds to my car's invulnerability in car parks and the like since it is such a pigsty that no one in their right mind would think or breaking into it or stealing it.
Unfortunately the hearing didn't take place in the real world. Oh no. It took place in the wacky world of motor insurance where night is day, where unicorns roam in Africa and where flying pigs flock across our skies.
As if by magic in this wonderful otherworld the accident moved to a different location, I did everything wrong, I pulled out in front of the other person – on a fast road with my baby daughter in in the car, as you would – and I lied about everything possible. Bastard!
The other person told such a wonderful tale that we needed to pass round the tissues at one stage. I cursed myself for being such a terrible driver and | felt for them as they revealed that, actually everything I believed – indeed knew – to be true as I was there at the time of the incident was complete and utter nonsense. I was ashamed.
I should of course have known for I have had one or two insurance claims before and the tales that are told have all been worthy of Hans Christian Anderson.
So now, having endured my first – and I hope only – court hearing and been told I am a liar, a cheat and a thoroughly bad egg I will remember to my dying breath that where cars are concerned the only thing to do is to lie, lie and lie again.
What a great system it is.
NB: the other party's insurance company was Direct Line and I would like to state for the the record that a bigger bunch of shysters and crooks does not exist this side of Helmand.
Friday, 3 April 2009
UBUNTU - THE SURPRISES JUST KEEP COMING
Two more impressive features of ubuntu this week.
First, I plugged in the family printer to see if it would work. At this point Windows would squeal that it needed new software, that the port was wrong, that the printer was not compatible and all sorts of tosh. When I previously tried to use the same printer with Windows Vista that was my evening gone. Ubuntu recognised the printer immediately and started printing within a minute without me needing to do anything daft or laboured. I just pressed print.
Second, my laptop battery has for some time been almost completely useless, giving only seconds of power before shutting down the computer. I always thought this was a hardware issue but it seems not. Now I have ubuntu the battery is working again. I do hope someone at Microsoft lands on this post by accident and at least has a slightly red face.
I am quite astounded at how poorly Windows is coming out against ubuntu. I am also amazed that Windows remains the world standard, a position it can't keep for much longer as more people like me make the break.
First, I plugged in the family printer to see if it would work. At this point Windows would squeal that it needed new software, that the port was wrong, that the printer was not compatible and all sorts of tosh. When I previously tried to use the same printer with Windows Vista that was my evening gone. Ubuntu recognised the printer immediately and started printing within a minute without me needing to do anything daft or laboured. I just pressed print.
Second, my laptop battery has for some time been almost completely useless, giving only seconds of power before shutting down the computer. I always thought this was a hardware issue but it seems not. Now I have ubuntu the battery is working again. I do hope someone at Microsoft lands on this post by accident and at least has a slightly red face.
I am quite astounded at how poorly Windows is coming out against ubuntu. I am also amazed that Windows remains the world standard, a position it can't keep for much longer as more people like me make the break.
Wednesday, 1 April 2009
I LOVE PARON IN THE SPRINGTIME...
Right, serious campaign time. Jean Frenchman insists on calling our Capital 'Londres' [you can almost read the sneer] despite the fact that this is demonstrably wrong, does not in anyway accord with the proper name and is no easier to say in French than 'London'.
Yet still Nicholas 'I don't care, I get to sleep with Carla' Sarkozy is pictured at the G20 meeting in front of a podium on which - just for him - is written 'Londres'.
YOU'RE IN BL**DY LONDRES, MATEY, SO DO US THE HONOUR OF A LITTLE POLITENESS AND GET THE NAME RIGHT.
So, my campaign is that from now on in all official and unofficial mentions of the French capital, we call it 'Paron' until they realise this - among so many mistakes - and change their language to call London London.
If not, we shouldn't let them play in 2012.
Yet still Nicholas 'I don't care, I get to sleep with Carla' Sarkozy is pictured at the G20 meeting in front of a podium on which - just for him - is written 'Londres'.
YOU'RE IN BL**DY LONDRES, MATEY, SO DO US THE HONOUR OF A LITTLE POLITENESS AND GET THE NAME RIGHT.
So, my campaign is that from now on in all official and unofficial mentions of the French capital, we call it 'Paron' until they realise this - among so many mistakes - and change their language to call London London.
If not, we shouldn't let them play in 2012.
UBUNTU UPDATE FOR THOSE WHO ARE INTERESTED
I've now been using this piece of software for several days with absolutely no problems. It is simpler than Windows, which some people would not like but which I absolutely adore. Openoffice is the writing and spreadsheet package and it is more basic than Word, although the last version of Word I got (2007) was so hopelessly fussy that this is a blessing. Whatever the very minor limitations of the new software I am still basking in the warm glow of a computer which actually works and which hasn't done anything daft in the entire time ubuntu has been working.
I am still peeved to have lost my old e-mails but this was almost certainly down to a faulty first installation rather than a serious fault with the software. In the first failed installation it asked me if I anted to migrate over my e-mails but them it went belly up. The second time I installed it the message didn't come up.
Hey ho, I can now cheerfully ignore a pile of work which had built up so every cloud has a silver lining.
I am still peeved to have lost my old e-mails but this was almost certainly down to a faulty first installation rather than a serious fault with the software. In the first failed installation it asked me if I anted to migrate over my e-mails but them it went belly up. The second time I installed it the message didn't come up.
Hey ho, I can now cheerfully ignore a pile of work which had built up so every cloud has a silver lining.
GORDON HAS HIS DAY. COULD DAVE?
Here's a difficult thing to say. Gordon Brown looks confident and assured on the international stage and he is to be applauded for that. You can also almost hear the whooping and cheering from the Labour Lair as they look at pictures of Gordon and Obama schmoozing.
This is clearly his area of expertise: high level stuff which he seems to relish. By contrast his people skills are distinctly lacking which is why he would have been an asset for Labour had he continued as Chancellor but as PM he simply lacks the razzmatazz.
Now the reason for paying our damaged Prime Minister a compliment is not by way of wanting to be unduly nice to him, although that doesn't hurt in the vicious world of politics. What it throws up for me are all those continuing doubts about Dave and his capacity to 'bestride the world stage' or some such Sunday supplement tosh.
Dave has obvious abilities, not least his brilliant detoxifying of the Tory brand, although it is wonderfully amusing to see the occasional puff of green smoke creep out from under the lid he's metaphorically perched on, as Ken Clarke expounds on Europe or Eric Pickles hilariously defends the indefensible. I really can't wait for the Euros this year as John Tory ponders the relative peace which has reigned in his party for some years on this most foul-smelling of subjects and considers a good old bout of self-destruction once more.
Dave is clearly an excellent salesman, which should not be underestimated. He IS the Prime Minister in waiting but that is cause for a serious intake of breath at the prospect of him convening a G20 meeting or meeting with the US president. Could he cut the mustard?
The trouble Dave has is that he lacks substance and a strong team. God knows the Labour government is filled with pygmies but the 64,000 Euro question is whether this bunch of Eton-dominated Tories actually have the wherewithal to actually effect any change if they take control next year.
The answer for me remains a big fat no.
This is clearly his area of expertise: high level stuff which he seems to relish. By contrast his people skills are distinctly lacking which is why he would have been an asset for Labour had he continued as Chancellor but as PM he simply lacks the razzmatazz.
Now the reason for paying our damaged Prime Minister a compliment is not by way of wanting to be unduly nice to him, although that doesn't hurt in the vicious world of politics. What it throws up for me are all those continuing doubts about Dave and his capacity to 'bestride the world stage' or some such Sunday supplement tosh.
Dave has obvious abilities, not least his brilliant detoxifying of the Tory brand, although it is wonderfully amusing to see the occasional puff of green smoke creep out from under the lid he's metaphorically perched on, as Ken Clarke expounds on Europe or Eric Pickles hilariously defends the indefensible. I really can't wait for the Euros this year as John Tory ponders the relative peace which has reigned in his party for some years on this most foul-smelling of subjects and considers a good old bout of self-destruction once more.
Dave is clearly an excellent salesman, which should not be underestimated. He IS the Prime Minister in waiting but that is cause for a serious intake of breath at the prospect of him convening a G20 meeting or meeting with the US president. Could he cut the mustard?
The trouble Dave has is that he lacks substance and a strong team. God knows the Labour government is filled with pygmies but the 64,000 Euro question is whether this bunch of Eton-dominated Tories actually have the wherewithal to actually effect any change if they take control next year.
The answer for me remains a big fat no.
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