PMQs, A VISIT TO THE SEASIDE

Doug Elghorn (Catterick End of the Pier), speaking from the lifeboat station, asked the Prime Minister why the House had been asked to assemble on the end of Southwold Pier. Gordon replied that he wanted to make Parliament more approachable for hard working families and he thought that decamping to the seaside with buckets and spades might help.

Dave stood up in rather fetching Speedos and a snorkel and asked; ‘Does the Prime Minister want a Mivvi or a 99?’ Gordon responded that since 1997 sales of both types of seaside delicacy had increased in real terms by over 400% and that this record showed that only a Labour government could guarantee the traditional seaside holiday.

Dave asked the question again, reminding the Prime Minister, to raucous catcalls from the Labour benches, that one had a soft centre and the other was flaky. Which was he? Gordon hitched up his rubber ring around his waist and leant forward menacingly, his bare chest bulging flabbily through his all-in-one costume. He said he would have either because he, like hard-working families, was glad to get any kind of ice cream delicacy after a hard day digging on the beach. Tory toffs could not appreciate the importance of lollies and ice creams for ordinary British families.

The Tories cheered as Dave pushed his snorkel back on his head and declared: ‘That’s what he’s good at: digging holes. What he’s not so good at is building the strong foundations for a healthy economy’. Several Tories had to be thrown off the side of the pier in various stages of ecstasy. The ones that floated were later burned as witches. Gordon responded that under Labour, he could have a Mivvi and a 99 and a choc ice, whereas in 1997 he would only have been able to afford a Lemonade lolly. He asked Dave if he had had enough ‘lolly’ stick for now and suggested that he use it to dig himself a hole to hide in. The Labour benches stayed silent in delight at this stinging rebuke.

Ed Balls and Yvette Cooper made out under the docks.

Ann Widdecombe, her bathing suit set to ‘stun’, asked Gordon if he would kiss her quick. Gordon responded that he would rather embrace a flatulent jellyfish. He condemned her for bringing the House into disrepute and told her she should come out from behind that funny ‘fat lady’ photo board and ask a sensible question. He then realised that there was no board and apologised.

Nickers asked Gordon why the government’s record on piers was so lamentable. The only new pier built under Labour was this one, while in the West Country there had been a significant reduction in pier capacity in recent weeks, with the worrying side effect of allowing Lord Archer onto the airwaves once more. Was this a symptom of the government’s mismanagement of the global economy? Gordon responded that his government took pier provision seriously and that hard working families would be given the opportunity once a year to visit a pier of their choice whereas under the Tories piers had, er, been more limited. Only under Labour was the supply of piers going up year on year.

Nick said yes, but what about the Olympics? Would the Prime Minister still be going to Beijing for the opening ceremony? This stumped Gordon, who replied after a few moments bewilderment that yes he would be going and he would a-pier with the Chinese President, Mr Hu. Gordon chuckled deeply at his joke while the Labour benches groaned. There are, after all, some very rotund Labour MPs…

Mr Speaker, dressed resplendently as King Neptune, dozed contentedly.

Jo Swinson, the most beguiling mermaid the east coast had yet seen, rose shimmering to oohs and aahs from the assembled beach lovers. She asked the Prime Minister if he had been surfing while here, since the wave of optimism which had greeted his arrival at Number 10 had diminished to a millpond. Would he now paddle off? Gordon said that the calmness of the seas was a global phenomenon and that he felt he was the right person to steer Britain into choppier waters. He then realised what he had said and tried to correct himself, saying he meant he wanted bigger waves for Britain, at which point he gabbled out a commitment to spend £20m on installing wave machines in any seaside community which wanted them. At this point the ‘House’ shouted ‘Wave goodbye’ rather rudely, startling a flock of seagulls nearby, which flew into the air over the assembled Parliamentarians and made perhaps the most telling political comment of the day all over them.

David Heath, seaweed dripping from his beard, a trident in his hand and a trout rammed down his netting trunks asked if Gordon had enjoyed the fishing while in Southwold as he seemed incapable of catching anything in London other than bad headlines. Gordon responded that since 1997 bad headlines had increased by 400% and that this was a direct result of his stewardship of the economy. He intended to continue that record as long as he remained in office. He then realised what he had said, flicked through his notes and answered: ‘Er, yes, a huge flounder’.

Ed Balls and Yvette Cooper went bowling in the arcade, they then went strolling and drank Lemonade.

Michael Howard, the only person there to be wearing a suit, asked Gordon why he was such an oily, unpopular figure and what he proposed to do about it. Gordon said he wasn’t sure which one of them Mr Howard was referring to but he suggested that Mr Howard might take a long walk along Southwold’s relatively short pier. Mr Howard smiled that smile of his and children ran screaming to their mummies.

Dave rose once more to ask Gordon if he had any plans for an evening out while at the seaside. Gordon said he planned to visit a restaurant with his wife later on after a planned tour of the famous Adnams brewery. Dave leapt up, unable to believe his luck and bellowed out rather too quickly for full effect that he hoped the Prime Minister would not seek to organise any celebrations in the brewery, as they would no doubt go awry. The Tories all put their buckets on their heads and shouted ‘nyah nyah ne nah nah’. David Davis immediately wished he had emptied out the crabs he had caught earlier before unending the bucket. His one-piece sackcloth robe and sandals were ruined to the sound of ‘clacking’ from the crabs.

Gordon said that as Prime Minister he had people to organise such events for him and they had done extremely well under New Labour. Dave said that he and his wife often organised such events in the local Hook Norton Brewery in his constituency of Witney and that they were always very successful. He doubted if Gordon could even manage this. He suggested that the Prime Minister call a General Election to allow the Tories to take control of all future ‘p*** ups in breweries’.

Gordon said that since 1997 brewery inebriation events had grown by 400% and that the rise in binge drinking alone demonstrated how much the Labour government had taken responsibility for this area of the economy. Every bottle of cheap cider represented money to the Treasury but he expected the Tories were too busy getting trolleyed on Port to know that. His time in office had led to a major expansion in the alcohol trade as more people drink to forget he’s Prime Minister. He finished with a pithy ‘so there’.

Ed Balls saved Yvette Cooper’s life: she nearly drowned.

Nicholas Winterton asked the Prime Minister if he would do anything to address the shameful real terms fall in MPs’ allowances since 1997. Mr Winterton said that if the current trend continued he and his wife might have to start paying their way for the first time since 1976. Gordon said he deplored this situation and he would write to the Honourable Gentleman immediately with an envelope full of used 20s.

Les Dennis then asked the Prime Minister if he would push off now as Keith Harris and Orville were due on at any moment. Gordon said he wished he could fly right up to the sky but he couldn’t, although the Cabinet was apparently working on a plan to send him into orbit. Alastair Darling raised one of his substantial eyebrows slightly with the help of a colleague.

The ‘House’ then rose to attempt to refloat Nicholas Soames, who had fallen asleep below the beach huts and who was in danger of dying out of his natural environment.