US PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION ON A KNIFE EDGE AS WORLD LOSES COLLECTIVE WILL TO LIVE

John McCain has suffered a negative progression among the ‘alpha-male working women’ of Ohio, according to CNN, This is being taken by the networks as a possible translation into support for Obama among Nebraska lesbians, which could deliver him the state. However, McCain has found his support among the ‘plug rollers’ of northern Wyoming grow by 2 points in the last week alone and the people who live at 422 Penn Drive, New Jersey have also come out for him.

In the key swing state of Utah, nothing has happened, despite the best efforts of commentators and politicians to try to whip up any interest at all. The biggest swing has been in the non-voting colony of Westminster, where British obsessives have driven the world crazy with endless analysis, comment and tosh, mostly mentioning people, events and polls that no one has heard of and that they care even less about. Joe Biden – there’s one. John McCririck – there’s another who carries about as much interest and relevance to the US Presidential race as any of the others.

Apparently John McCain said he was ‘very happy’ to be in Wisconsin on Tuesday, which is seen as a gaffe because pollsters have recorded a negative response among 24% of hispanic American voters to the word ‘happy’ since it sounds like the Spanish word for a cat’s rectum. This slip could cost him the election.

In a separate development, the election has taken its toll of casualties as a steadily growing number of British commentators and bloggers expire through sheer ecstasy as the latest bit of baloney seeps across the Atlantic. Rambling Jim Naughtie has been admitted to hospital but doctors had to let him go as they could find no reason have him sectioned.

Apparently the Brazilian rainforest is now threatened as a viable ecosystem as so much of it has been cut down to allow newspapers to print an unending stream of shite about the US Presidential election. The rainforest of Ecuador has been lined up for the gut-wrenching analysis of the expected Obama Presidency and endless comparisons with John Kennedy.

Just a week to go, then it will all be over…Oh God, let me see that day!

STEPHEN FRY HURTLES AROUND AMERICA

I confess regularly to a strong antipathy to the USA so it is always refreshing to see programmes such as the current one in which Stephen Fry is travelling around all 50 states to get a taste of that country. What is impressive is how pleasantly ordinary it all is and how natural and warm most Americans are – a million miles away from the TV image of the country which tends to be centred on LA or New York.

However, the programme is continually disappointing because Fry’s stops are so brief. He never gets to chat to people at length and he manages about 4 minutes in each state. Some states he has just driven through without stopping, which is a bit crap.

I was a huge fan of the Michael Palin travelogues and these are the archetype for me because Palin met real people and he got the chance to explore something of their lives. His trip on a dhow across the Indian Ocean is the stuff of TV legend as it was so engrossing. If this isn’t the point of such a programme, I wonder what is.

It’s a huge shame that the brilliant, sociable Stephen Fry has not been allowed to show us more of his trip. Perhaps the BBC wants us to buy the extended DVD for Christmas, or some such marketing tosh. Well, they can whistle for it until they go back to making decent documentaries.

DID NO ONE ELSE HEAR PRESCOTT LAMBAST THE TODAY PROGRAMME?

I expected some comment about this piece this morning when professional pleb John Prescott was asked about Mandelson’s visit to Oleg Deripaska on his yacht. Prescott had been asked to talk about his forthcoming TV programme on class and he laid into the interviewer (I think it was Evan Davies) about how the Today programme was always looking for controversy and seeing a half empty glass instead of a half full one.

Prescott was clearly ducking the question but he made a good point, which is that the Today programme is pants and it provides so little ‘light’ that if it were a lightbulb it would have been replaced decades ago.

Sadly, it isn’t so it will bumble on, even with the excellent Evan Davies set to gradually ease out Rambling Jim Naughtie and ‘Hard Man’ Humphreys.

LIBERAL VESTS-ON

For too long this country has had public services which have benefited people – but which have had to be paid for through higher taxation. This takes away the basic freedoms of everyone to live and die free from state interference. In particular those on middle and higher incomes have seen a disproportionate share of their income spent on services they would never wish to use like public transport, healthcare, roads, education, universities…I could go on. This is patently unfair we in Liberal Vests-on believe that the poor should pay their way.

However, we do not believe that they should pay extra taxes. No, no! We believe they should pay no taxes as we plan to abolish the state. Liberal Vests-on believes that the state has been responsible for spending countless billions of our money on pointless fripperies like decent schooling and only the complete removal of the state will reduce spending to acceptable levels of zero.

Those who wish to opt into the state can voluntarily sign up to it through an annual subscription which will be available in branches of WH Smith. Anyone wishing to suffer the ignominy of public services being provided will be asked to move to Anglesey, to leave the rest of the population to live – and die - free from any interference in our lives.

I mean, what has the government ever done for us? [Brief pause for Monty Python enthusiasts…]

Without a state, people would have genuine freedom to live their lives without a care, without any support, healthcare, street lights, roads, public transport, waste collection, and perhaps most importantly with no education – unless they could afford to pay for it, naturally. They would thus have far fewer cares as they would be utterly ignorant.

This is our vision. Society is expensive: let’s abolish it.

Anybody worried about the consequences of abolishing this disruptive ‘state’ will be free to console themselves with cheap booze and fags – which won’t be taxed any more!

RICHARD DAWKINS, ARCHBISHOP

There is something almost desperate about Richard Dawkins sponsoring ads by the British Humanist Association on London buses declaring that ‘there is probably no god’. It’s fair enough for the BHA to do this and good luck to them, although the religious nutters will start having a go at buses, so to my mind its not good business sense for the bus operators. But that’s another argument.

But what never ceases to surprise me is Dawkins’ obsession with religion. He comes across rather as the man who just can’t face something he is secretly drawn to so he seeks to look in the opposite direction muttering furiously that it just can’t be. His zealotry is all the more amusing for the comparison with religions: like them he is seeking to proselytise to his belief system.

Now if that isn’t a delicious irony, I don’t know what is…

My favourite quote from him this time is that this slogan will make people think – “and thinking is anathema to religion”. Now you see, I’m a protestant and it’s pretty much at the heart of the protestant faith that you question. That is, after all, why protestants don’t kowtow to an old man in Rome. There are also countless schisms, arguments and debates which have scarred religion for centuries which kind of point to people, er, thinking. They may not be good and they may have led to endless bloodshed but they clearly, unequivocally demonstrate the application of grey matter to various problems. QED, professor.

I don’t particularly like religion. I think I’d probably prefer a world where there was no religion but I take the practical view that
(i) there has to be something out there as the universe cannot simply exist in a void. It has to be somewhere and until the scientists can identify the hard drive we are all whirling around on, religion fills a need.
(ii) faith abhors a vacuum so, in the absence of an established, fusty, boring religion like the good old, safe CofE, the weirdos get a free run, which is precisely what I don’t want. As long as there are scientologists, moonies, druids and all the accompanying cults out there, I’ll cleave to the predictable stuff.
(iii) atheism is so grey and dull.
(iv) Christmas is fun and we only have that thanks to Jesus!

NB: I’m not seeking to proselytise, I just think Dawkins is a prat.

MORE USES FOR A GEORGE OSBORNE

12. front page headline on the BBC news website for having the crass stupidity to have accused a Labour minister of doing something which he himself had done at the same time. That takes some doing...
13. whipping boy
14. scapegoat
15. delicious illustration that the Tories have not changed one jot, despite the blandishments of Dave
16. Brilliant illustration of how not to attack the opposition

It’s getting to the stage with the 13th Baronet Osborne when it seems almost cruel to laugh at him.

DARLING, YOU WERE WONDERFUL!

Hallelujah, hallelujah and thrice halleluijah! A Chancellor of the Exchequer has stated publicly that “Much of what Keynes wrote still makes sense”, promising to invest in the economy during a time of recession in order to drag it out of recession by putting some more money into the economy.

Immediately, rabid packs of economists, libertarians and ideologues of all stripes will leap on his back and tear great lumps out of him for his presumption. They will rend cloth and cry out that inflation will soar, that millions will lose their jobs, that puppies will die and that the earth will stop turning. They will of course be wrong and should be ignored accordingly. For what Darling has so significantly done with this simple statement is to throw out the unutterably stupid approach to any problem which holds that any theory one holds dear will answer all questions.

In short he has applied common sense to a problem, rather than orthodoxy. This of course means that Darling will be seen as a dangerous radical and his days will be numbered as a result. We like to hold on to an image of this country as being innovative and forward thinking but we remain hideboud by one of the most conservative approaches to administration in the world.

Along with 99% of the population, it seems I may have got Darling quite wrong. He may be the quiet man of politics, with the most absurd eyebrows since Denis Healey but he does seem to take his brain to work with him in the morning. Even more dramatically, he seems to use it when he is there.

There is no question that the government is back in the game. This is great news for anyone interested in a good punch-up!

NEW GLOBAL PANIC AS ‘DERIVABLES’ MARKET ‘DEFLATES’ TO NEW LOW

Robert Peston reports on the BBC news website that the new target for government concern is the ‘derivables’ market, which has been under attack from ‘sovereign funds’ all day. Derivables have receded this year by more than 103% on their previous level and this has caused jitters in the Asian markets in particular, where derivables first emerged in the 1990s as a means of short-stopping long term collateral investments.

It is hoped the recovery will emerge from the resilient Brazilian market, where derivables have increasingly been traded since early 2000 as a direct result of the ‘el nino’ effect in the Pacific. Traders there have invested more than 8bn reals today alone and this has seen a rally in derivables prices which it is hoped will diminish the effects of this dangerous counter-cyclical economic wind.

However, Peston reports that there is stil concern over the so-called long term, off-shore, submersible derivables – so-called because they operate beneath the main derivables markets and thus are not subject to normal derivables rules as applied under the Yongbyon Agreement of 2002, which sought to edge out much of the volatility in this market through a stability scheme known as ‘pontoon rating’.

Gordon Brown has once again emerged as the key player in this as he seeks to minimise the harm to the small but crucial UK derivables market, based in Aberdeen. Brown has proposed that governments provide a £32bn fund to prop up the short-stop, long-lend market for 24 hours only while bankers ‘inflate’ new supports.

However, Peston’s prognosis is for long term deflation of this market and a general sink back into non-profitability as derivables are submerged beneath the general tide of other banking losses.

Now, who’d bet against a ‘derivables’ market emerging by next week to be furiously traded by City boys with more fabric in their shirts than sense.

TIME TO MOVE OUT OF THE PALACE OF WESTMINSTER FOR GOOD

Having avidly read my PMQs blogs over the past few weeks I am honoured that the Members of the House of Commons have taken on board my suggestion that they decamp from Parliament, though possibly not to Southwold Pier or a lifeboat off the coast of Iceland.

However, this is a golden opportunity to look at whether it makes practical sense to have the seat of government in the centre of congested, expensive London any more.

There are numerous reasons to think about this. Parliament is out of date and has never had enough seats for all the MPs. This is a fun traditional aspect of the whole set up but, for a modern legislature it is rubbish. Our MPs surely need a 21st century chamber with desks and maybe even electronic voting. Our government could probably benefit from modern offices. The current Parliament building could become a wonderful – and very lucrative – museum and arts centre for central London. Think of the hordes of foreign tourists who would flock to the building. It could be a goldmine.

Apart from the ludicrous cost of living and working in central London, the fact that the rest of the country has an inferiority complex about London is an excellent reason to relocate. London is certainly the powerhouse of the whole country but our government is supposed to represent everyone so why not practically reflect that by moving the government, lock, stock and barrel.

Benefits would include a new, 21st century chamber, a massive economic boost for wherever is chosen as the new site of government and an easing of congestion in London. There could also be an intangible benefit as referred to by Winston Churchill, who said something along the lines that a chamber defines the behaviour of those in it so the benches facing each other in Parliament makes the whole process of democracy in this country adversarial.

There are numerous examples of countries where the seat of government is away from the major city: Washington and New York, Amsterdam and The Hague, Brasilia and Rio, Glasgow and Edinburgh. ;-)

There is no earthly reason why the British Parliament should remain in an old building which is no longer fit for purpose.

The only people I see being inconvenienced are the politicos and media luvvies who cluster round Parliament (so no problem there, then) and poor Brian Haw, who would have to up sticks to a new location to protest. Assuming he is officially accepted as a National Treasure, part of the relocation budget could even be set aside for him. (NB: I admire Mr Haw’s efforts but that doesn’t mean I won’t take the mickey out of him.)

My vote is for Milton Keynes, a place I can’t stand but one which has appropriate infrastructure and space to provide the necessary facilities. Other choices, like Birmingham or Manchester, would simply repeat the mistakes of basing the government in London – congestion, lack of space, cost.

OH GO ON THEN, I VOTED FOR ROS

Ballot paper received and sent off and I plumped for Ros Scott with Lembit in second place.

This was a toughie to call as I think, for all his daft antics, Lembit gets a hard time and he is an experienced and committed campaigner. And hey, who wouldn’t seek to get personal with a Cheeky Girl, after all…

However, I have met Ros and she is extremely personable and supportive of local government in particular – which is my area of interest since its how the mortgage gets paid…Local government is also the wellspring from which all Lib Dem success comes from in my opinion, not to mention the possibility that we might one day have properly devolved government in this country for which we will need established local networks and experienced councillors.

I was impressed by Chandila Fernando’s pitch but it is a bit too ‘student union’, with the suggestion that it lacks substance. As I approach 40 I increasingly include age and experience as a qualification for most things…Can’t think why. However, I hope the winning candidate will consider some of the points he made about widening membership by changing what it means for some people.

So good luck to them all and hopefully Ros Scott will prevail but if Lembit wins, that’s fine…Isn’t that so bloody typical of a Lib Dem!

*YAWN* THE MARKETS ARE NERVOUS ONCE MORE

We are once again staring into the abyss globally. Why? Because the CEO of Rio Tinto, a mining company, has said he is a little concerned that China’s growth rate will slow down. As a result markets are looking nervously at the Chinese economy for signs of a downturn and if there is one they will collectively throw all their paper in the air and run around screaming.

Honestly, if your kids said they were playing a game in which you all had to be confident or not confident about the amount of chocolate in the house and the level of confidence would affect how much chocolate you each got, or whether the chocolate would run out, you would think they were stark staring mad.

Yet this is how the global economy works. Bonkers just doesn’t come close to doing it justice.

RAILWAYS: TORIES RETURN TO FINALLY KILL THE PATIENT

I missed an important piece of news from earlier in the week. On Monday the Tories announced that Network Rail would lose its monopoly for maintenance work under a future Tory government. Train operators would be invited to bid against the rail infrastructure owner to win contracts to maintain the network.

There are shades of a particularly vicious mugger who, having left his victim lying bleeding in the gutter, decides to turn around and administer another beating just for good measure.

Rail privatisation has been an unmitigated disaster and the Tories should hang their heads in shame at the debacle they unleashed on the British people, forcing millions back into their cars and tearing up a company which had been improving dramatically in the years up to its dismemberment. Add to that the fact that the new private operators receive millions more in subsidy than British Rail ever did, with little to show for it except plugs for laptops and posh toilets on some routes and you really have to question whether a Tory should ever be allowed anywhere near our transport infrastructure ever again.

What this once again confirms is that the Tories have not changed. They are still the same dim demagogues who offer knee jerk responses to any problem with no thought about the consequences.

Dave’s Tories pledge more cars and more roads through the slow decimation of the railways. Brilliant!

SIGN UP TO VINCE CABLE FOR CHANCELLOR

I submitted a petition to the Number 10 website calling for this and was disappointed that it had not been published. However, it seems that someone else pre-empted me so could I recommend that you consider signing up to this worthy ambition at:

THIS HERE LINK

Hopefully the hyperlink will work this time. My luck so far with such new fangled wizardry has been zero.

ANOTHER USE FOR A GEORGE OSBORNE

Now he's no longer a credible shadow chancellor, he could be the voice of a child dalek in a new Dr Who story.

Dalek E-ton is growing up in a sheltered settlement on Skaro, little understanding the nasty world outside the compound. Dalek E-ton meets Dalek Cam-Rom who pledges allegiance to the little squirt of a metal-clad vengeful abomination. Cam-Ron says he and E-ton will one day rule the universe but E-ton must first learn to count.

E-ton finds the new task given to him by Cam-Rom to be very tough and he is delighted one day to discover that offering to give all Daleks their credits back for two Skaro years if they keep their brutal trail of destruction of the universe down to 2.5% of the know universe each year. While working out this plan Dalek E-ton does not notice Skaro being utterly destroyed around him.

Dalek Cam-Ron decides to take over the universe himself, leaving Dalek E-ton to go and work in the City with his chums from the compound.

"Equivocate!"

WHERE NEXT GORDON, POLAND?

Gordon Brown has gone from Stalin to Mr Bean and now he seems to be mutating into John Rambo. The government’s demands for the Icelandic government to guarantee the investments of UK individuals and local authorities, along with the freezing of Icelandic bank assets in the UK is clearly striking a chord with the tabloid reader within us all but there must surely be someone in the government with the wit and common sense to recognise that effectively declaring economic war on a near neighbour is not sensible or practical and takes no account of where we are in the world today.

Iceland is a European country. It could one day be in the EU. As any fule kno its okay to talk tough about another country as long as you are also talking to them behind everyone’s backs. We don’t want another Cod War – which we lost!

The worst aspect of this is that the actions of the UK can only help to push Iceland into the orbit of Russia, adding even more weight to that country’s claims to much of the Arctic Ocean.

Yesterday I commended Gordon Brown on his economic response to this crisis. Today I find myself condemning him for his almost childish grasp of internationl relations, which seems to be based on the playground idea of lashing out if you don't get what you want and ignoring anyone who you don't want to play with. He hates Europe and it now seems he prefers gunboat diplomacy to sensible discourse. This is unbelievably bad international politics which will damage us.

WHEN THE BOYS CAME OUT TO PLAY, GEORGEY PORGEY RAN AWAY

Now his career as Shadow Chancellor is over, I wondered if I could think if 101 uses for a George Osborne:

1. One half of a comedy double act based on a schoolboy and his dad. Clitheroe Osborne, anyone?

2. Model for Action Man dolls

3. American Vice-Presidential Candidate. Sarah Palin - George Osborne? Well, I can see it

4. Star of ‘Just William’ Revival at the RSC

5. Stunt double for Ant or Dec

6. Voice of faceless bureaucrat on radio commercials

Any more contributions would be gratefully received

UPDATES FROM COLLEAGUES:

7. Labour Peer

8. Mine Clearance Assistant

9. Programme announcer on Dave

10. Replacement for Robert Lindsay in My Family. Annoying, irrelevant and ultimately only good for comedic value. (That's the character by the way, not the magnificent Robert Lindsay, who is one of my favourite actors)

COMETH THE CRISIS, COMETH THE OPPORTUNITY

Gordon Brown and Alastair Darling appear to be relishing this current crisis and – credit where due – acting with due alacrity to address the problems which are arising after a slow start. The latest information I have is that the Treasury has taken decisive action to transfer retail deposit accounts from many of the troubled Icelandic banks to ING Direct. They have also acted to freeze the UK assets of Landsbanki, which manages the ‘Icesave’ products. The government is working with the Icelandic government to secure the funds of UK investors, including local authorities. Full details will doubtless be pored over in the media so I won’t try to explain what I am reading…which is probably good since I am struggling.

What is fascinating is how adrift the Tories are in this whole process. Gordon Brown must be ‘singing in the bathtub’ about the effect this is having on Dave. As for George Osborne, well he has always been seen as a lightweight and this crisis has shown that up in glaring, widescreen technicolor. I imagine the odds on a snap General Election or one next summer are shortening considerably. If they aren’t I recommend putting £1 down sharpish – if you can spare it (gallows humour…).

Current events are clearly causing no end of strife for millions of people and grey hairs for the money people but politically it is one of the most fascinating periods we have had for years. Who’d call the next election now?!

GORDON BROWN HAS A SENSE OF HUMOUR - OFFICIAL

Nick Robinson comments on Gordon Brown taking a call during a press briefing. As he took it he joked about it possibly being another bank falling. Irfan Ahmed has questioned whether this is in good taste.

Absolutely it is. When the world is crashing around your ears, if you can laugh it definitely helps. My opinion of the Prime Minister has gone up several points with this bit of news. Keep 'em coming Gordon!

And lighten up, Irfan!

HINDUSTAN, BAS!

There are many reasons to be Christian. Some people get comfort from it, some people are inspired. For me it is far more prosaic: it is part of the culture. My kids go to a Church school and I want them to be fully engaged with the local community, of which the church is an important part. I also don’t want them to have a void within them which some religious nut can come along and fill as they grow up. For me religion is just part of being human, it’s not a reason to proselytise or crusade, and the Church of England is perhaps the least offensive flavour available.

One of the best features of Christianity is its sense of equality. Sure this notion is not universally applied but the fundamental principle is that we are all equal – which is why ‘dalits’, the former ‘scheduled castes’ or ‘untouchables’ in India seek to convert to Christianity in their thousands. And who can blame them when they are condemned to a life between serfdom and outright slavery by an accident of birth.

Watching Paul Merton’s entertaining travel programme yesterday evening I was struck by the fact that all the people he met were from the 20 per cent of Indians who are ‘middle class’ and whose lifestyles equate to ours.

The problem is that India remains a ‘pyramid’ society like so many primitive societies and the removal of the bottom level of the pyramid causes social tensions further up. This is perhaps why there has been religious violence in Orissa with mostly upper caste Hindus attacking Christians for overtly religious reasons. They have hung the attacks on the hook of a local holy man who was killed in unexplained circumstances but the obvious unercurrent is that they do not want Christianity to upset the apple cart.

This is a sad reflection on India, which has for centuries absorbed other cultures and religions. After all, some of the first Christian communities were established on the west coast of India decades after the death/resurrection/ascension of Jesus Christ – until the Portuguese turned up and decided that they should all be wiped out or forcibly converted because they weren’t Catholics...There are also the Parsees, zoroastrians from Persia, whose most prominent family are the Tatas, giants of Indian business. There are also more muslims in India than in the perenially strife-torn and failing muslim state of Pakistan, which is a strong mark in the plus column for what is still the largest democracy in the world.

Tragically, India seems belatedly to be waking up to one of the most pernicious and vicious of all European diseases – nationalism. Sadly increasing numbers of Indian politicians have adopted the twin weapons of nationalism and religion for their own ends, which is a ghastly mix. Hopefully the moderate majority in India will see sense eventually but India clearly remains deeply divided by its ancient beliefs and prejudices.

Finnally, to allay any accusations of bigotry or racism, yes I have been to India and fel in love with the country so I write from a position of anger and despair, not prejudice. I also happen to be loosely related by marriage to half of Gujerat, so my credentials are pretty strong. I would dearly love to see India continue to develop into a modern, democratic society in which more than a minority can live in decent conditions. India will hopefully be a vital counterweight to China, Russia and the USA in future years and for this reason we have no choice but to wish them well. I just wish someone could send the ‘boys’ round to have a quiet wpord with the BJP and their ‘troops’ in the RSS

NIGEL LAWSON HITS THE NAIL ON THE HEAD

A delicious moment on Newsnight this evening when the excellent Emily Maitlis (thank God Paxman had the night off so we had some sensible questioning) asked venerable Tory peer and ex-Chancellor Lord Lawson about the government's rescue package and the long term prospects for economic policy. She asked if everything George Osborne had promised would now have to be reviewed. Lawson answered "I'm not sure he has promised anything."

Quite.

PMQs - IN WHICH WE SERVE

PMQs this week came from a lifeboat just off the coast of Iceland.

Doug Elghorn (Reykjavik North) asked the Prime Minister just what on earth was going on? Gordon Brown, dressed as an old sea dog, a pipe clenched between his teeth and a cable knit sweater beneath a blue, roughly crafted jacket, responded that since 1997 the economy had grown under his stewardship at the fastest rate since the 19th century and that the current crisis was clearly different. He assured the ‘House’ that his government was looking into the situation and that the Chancellor would be making a statement on the subject in due course. Until then he didn’t really know, he replied.

Alastair Darling, half in the water, half out, clung silently to the edge of the packed lifeboat, his substantial eyebrows heavy with ice crystals, the weight of which caused the boat to lean precariously in his direction.

A Group of Labour and Tory MPs furiously fought off the attempts of Nicholas Soames to climb into the lifeboat, knowing that, if he was successful, they were all doomed. Soames had earlier torn off the leg of Hilary Benn, resulting in the former minister harbouring an irrational grudge against the fat Tory and offering any MP who skewered him a silver dollar, which he had nailed to the ever wooden John Redwood, who stood motionless in the middle of the boat. A number of bankers had swum out to the boat and were fighting furiously over the dollar.

Dave rose, dressed as the captain of one of those oversized boats driven by lottery winners along narrow waterways, wearing a shiny blazer, crisply ironed trousers and deck shoes as worn by anyone who has never set foot on a boat in their lives before. He asked the Prime Minister if it was now time for a novice since his experience seemed to count for nothing in these difficult times for the British economy.

Cap’n Brown bit his pipe so hard that it shattered, then responded that these were indeed difficult times which called for a degree more sense than the shadow chancellor had displayed recently. George Osborne looked up from his prep to throw an ink ball at Brown. As for Dave running the country, remarked Brown, if anything was guaranteed to strike fear into the heart of investors, it was that prospect. At this the Tories as one bellowed “Nonsense! He went to school with ‘em all!” Dave went slightly red and rapidly removed his cravat to try to look more ‘common’.

Dave then asked Gordon if he would act against unreasonable bonuses for bankers as a condition of releasing the funds being made available. He did not wish to see failure rewarded. Instead he would like to see all his old chums continue to do well on their usual million pound salaries without the bonuses favoured by the ‘new’ money oiks ruining it for the older families.

Behind Dave, Justine Greening smiled and several Labour MPs fainted, believing that Cherie was back.

Gordon replied that he hoped that there would be a better approach to rewards in the banking sector following recent events but that, frankly, his government didn’t have a clue how to stop bonuses so they’d probably continue to gloss over it in the interests of cosying up to financiers.

Ed Balls and Yvette Cooper left for the City dressed as urchins with begging bowls. As they departed a flotilla of vessels carrying Icelandic bankers hove to, with their impoverished occupants hawking fish, horned helmets and toy Viking ships to the nonplussed MPs.

Nickers staggered to his feet wearing a bright yellow sou’wester and hat. He said the LDs were the only party which had predicted the credit crunch. A sharp kick to the shin from his shiny pated neighbour reminded him to thank the Right Honourable Member for Twickenham for his prescience and analysis during these difficult times. As he hopped around clutching his leg, Nickers said the Lib Dems would continue to support the government but that they had still thought of all these ideas first. Would the Prime Minister accept that? Gordon replied that he had of course predicted the credit crunch in a sealed letter to be opened in the event of his political suicide but that its contents would remain unknown until that day. At this David Miliband became rather excitable and had to be led away.

Nickers asked Gordon Brown if he would consider canonisation for Vince Cable because, although an atheist himself, he felt it was what the country would want. Brown responded that he would consider the proposal if it would stop the Right Honourable Economist to the Gods from continually second guessing the government, the international financial system and allow Alastair Darling to at least appear to get something right in future.

Darling’s hold on reality was fading fast as the icy waters of the north Atlantic slowly did their work in freezing him. Other Members agreed that they had never seen him so animated in his entire career.

Julia Goldsworthy asked the Prime Minister if the government would consider setting up camps for all under 16s to stop them getting into trouble. Such a plan had worked in the Redruth Correction Centre and Kindergarten and she hoped the scheme could expand to take over ze vorld! Ms Goldsworthy then apologised for this pastiche of a German accent but she felt this was what expected of her given current comments about her.

Gordon Brown suggested that the Honourable Member had been at the Chianti before coming to the ‘House’. He said the government was already planning a raft (laughter from loyal Cabinet members – both of them) of repressive measures and he would take no lessons from the Lib Dems in this matter. He said his CIA paymasters were already planning to rule Britain from a newsagent's in Acton and he could not comment any further.

Keith Vaz asked the Prime Minister if he was in the market for any legal advice after this little spot of bother was over. Vaz said that he had a couple of mates who could sort out the economy with a few phone calls and he had the solution to the banking crisis in the back of the van. Straight up. Brown thanked the Honourable Member and asked him not to call.

George Osborne put down his Latin vocab and asked the Prime Minister if his government would do anything for pensioners struggling with their Council Tax because he wasn’t. A text book in the nether regions from Ken Clarke reminded him that they had in fact promised to freeze Council Tax in some cases if some Councils cut some services.

Gordon Brown said that he was an experienced hand at management of the economy and that he would consequently take no advice from a young whippersnapper such as Osborne. Let his inaction be the watchword, he declared, to bemused looks from his own benches and incomprehension from the frankly dim Tory ones.

Vince rose, looked gravely at the Prime Minister with his best Thunderbirds bottom lip and then declared that he had told him so. Vince smiled his inscrutable smile and sat back down again. Gordon thanked him for this wonderful contribution and the ‘House’ rose as one to cheer, nearly upending the boat.

Alex Salmond asked the Prime Minister if the forthcoming by-election in Glenrothes would be a rout, a catastrophe or a debacle for Labour. Brown responded that he could not quite confirm what level of failure he would achieve at this point in time but he was sure it would not be of the Honourable Gentleman’s making – he would achieve it all by himself! The sound of gentle sobbing could be heard from the Labour benches.

Mr Speaker, sitting next to the tiller of the tiny vessel, rose, causing it to buck wildly. He called for ‘udder’, as was his wont, and asked the Chancellor to make a statement. As Darling slipped beneath the choppy waters of the north Atlantic he mumbled indistinctly and the whole boat agreed that it had been his best speech to Parliament for many years and that the prospects for the British economy suddenly looked a lot rosier.

Soames was caught by the Icelandic bankers, who predicted that the blubber they could harvest from him would keep the lights on the island buring through the winter.

CRISIS? WHAT CRISIS?

The various media outlets are trying their very best to educate their audiences on the nuances of the credit crunch but it remains a pretty difficult area to comprehend for the average Joe or Josephine – in whose number I count myself. Robert Peston on the BBC website is doing very well in simplifying matters to make them almost intelligible and he hit upon one aspect of the whole government bailout which I find confusing.

If the government - i.e. you and me – is going to lend banks up to £50bn to safeguard and improve their ‘liquidity’ and it is doing so at a pretty significant cost to the banks involved, why isn’t this whole business being seen more as an opportunity to reap some financial rewards for UK PLC rather than as a serious crisis which is going to drag us down. In other words if the government is considered to be a bank investing our money and that money is earning several percentage points above what others are offering, there must be a pretty decent reward in there, which we should receive as taxpayers – not directly that’s understood, but on behalf of the ‘company’ we are involved in.

Is the analysis of the credit crunch perhaps too zero sum? After all, history teaches us that there will be many people out there who are making a killing from this crisis. Why shouldn't be the humble taxpayer?

I WANT TO RIDE MY BICYCLE...

The Oxfordshire news headlines on the BBC pages make for grim reading today with reports of two cyclists killed: one on a Lands End to John o'Groats charity ride, the other in Abingdon.

I'm a keen but lapsed cyclist who used to brave the streets of London regularly. Now I'm in the country I would like cycle more with my young son but it seems that rural drivers are, if anything, less aware of cyclists than their generally more aggressive city counterparts.

I have noticed a marked increase in bikes on the roads since the recent petrol scam began but how many others remain too worried about starting what is a great exercise and mode of transport for fear of some git in a 4x4 without the sense or patience to give due attention to what is another vehicle on the road. It is always surprising that the larger vehicles tend to be the most aware and cautious - with the exception of any Stagecoach bus, which is invariably driven by a homicidal maniac.

Here's where I get a little radical. I strongly believe that the only way cycling will be encouraged more widely is to take back some of the existing tarmac from motor vehicles. My area of Oxfordshire has precious few roads but I still have four ways to get to work. If one or two mostly small, rural roads were closed to all but agricultural vehicles and local access to allow cyclists to be safe there could be a significant sea change in attitudes as it became a lot more fun to freewheel along a country lane or gasp up an improbably steep hill.

It will also be a wonderful day when route planners wake up and realise that a white line does not protect cycles from vehicles and that a tarmaced path next to a busy A-road is miserable to cycle on. How about a bit of shrubbery, for example?!

I expect the change will come in our bigger cities and I welcome that but I would also like to see some more 'blue sky' thinking everywhere. Wouldn't it be amazing to move away from the assumption that cars, vans, lorries and coaches 'own' the road?

BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE, BBC2 10.50 TONIGHT

Its a bit naff to recommend a TV programme on a blog but this new sitcom, which first aired on Thursday, is special. It's funny.

Set in Reading in 1997 it is well acted, well written and has genuine laughs. The year is a good choice because there are many of us who now regard this as 'historical' And the choice of Reading is a good one since it gets away from the 'northern town' cliche. I'm not being 'southern in this comment, it has just become a bit of a bore, despite several excellent comedies set in the north.

It is also blessed with having the superb Olivia Colman as the mum of the family in question. She is quite simply the best comedy actress of her generation and she is a writer's dream since she delivers every line with polish.

I recommend it if you have time.

TIMES ARE GETTING INTERESTING!

There will no doubt be much written about the return of Peter Mandelson to government after his stint in Brussels. I guess we will attack the move as a step backwards but I see it as quite clever.

Mandelson has ruffled a lot of feathers in Brussels and he has proved himself capable of hitting big in trade negotiations. He has managed to upset the French government countless times, which must be a qualification. Anyone who seeks to wean the agricultural trough snuffling French off their ludicrous subsidies which we are all paying for deserves plaudits. He also managed to get American backs up during trade negotiations which again shows that he fears few people.

Mandelson is divisive but he is also extremely clever and he was key to the 1997 victory for 'New' Labour, as was...He is likely to be a key player in the Brown fightback and he seems to be surrounded mostly by new and interesting faces.

For me the bigger shock is the resurrection of the ghastly Margaret Beckett, who seems to have achieved little but who has developed a reputation regardless. This is bizarre since the politest thing which could be said of her is that she is objectionable. I could write much more...

The depaqrtment for Climate Change, Green Stuff and Scrumptious Flowers is also a bold step and could finally kill the myth of Conservative action in this area. It will be very interesting to see who they put into this shadow portfolio but whoever it is will struggle against the other Milispoons Boy, who is capable and, crucially for this area, young. Hopefully for us it will be the incomparable Chris Huhne - and the Tories have no one who comes close to him. We might actually see some green action from a British government. We can but hope.

Anyway, the interesting times continue. If I were a Tory, well, I'd have killed myself by now but just supposing I was and I resisted the urge to wipe my shame away thus, I'd be increasingly wary about Project Cameron, which is at risk of being found out as a one trick pony. Boris must be rubbing his puffy hands together in anticipation.

HOW TORY SPEECHES WORK

How many Tories does it take to change a lightbulb?

We can only guess at the extent of the lightbulb problem at this point and only when we are in a position to look at the lightbulb properly can we establish how to change it. The lightbulb may require more Tories but we will of course seek to minimise the number of Tories needed to change the lightbulb. As long as we are able to provide opportunities for lightbulbs for hardworking families we can make the change. Together we can change the lightbulb! [tumultuous applause]

QUESTIONS I'D LIKE TO ASK OF GEORGE OSBORNE

George Osborne's magnificent plan to force Councils to cut their Council Tax increases to an unachievable 2.5% to receive more government money over two years is a fantastic headline.

1. What happens in year three?

2. Are the Tories committed to Council Tax and central control of Council budgets?

3. Are boys in his form allowed to wear long trousers?

THAT SPEECH IN FULL

In a brilliant speech marked with gravitas and trembling underpants throughout the hall, Dave told the assembled and adoring Tory conference that he did not have any answers to the ills affecting the British economy but that he was the man to help. To solve all the problems faced, the country must change and Dave said he had lots of change to bring and his change was better than the change Labour had failed to deliver under Gordon Brown. Only under his leadership would real change be made. He called for an end to the new change being minted at the moment, to be replaced with good old fashioned Tory no-change change

There may be trouble ahead, he told the conference, but while there’s moonlight and music and love and romance, he believed the Tories would force New Labour to face the music and dance. If the Tories won the next election, they would not have a clue what to do as things would be pretty dreadful but he wanted people to trust him to make change anyway.

Dave summed up his philosophy as ‘progressive ends, Conservative means’. He said that under a Tory government black would henceforth be referred to as ‘white’, cats would be known as ‘dogs’ and oranges would be called ‘potatoes’. This was the kind of progressive change with Conservative means he wanted for hard-working families everywhere. A bespectacled BBC commentator later explained this to a dithering, rambling Andrew Neil thus: ‘What this speech shows is that David Cameron will seek to rebrand many things, much as he has done his party, but fundamentally he will do bugger all’.

Dave had experience, he declared, ‘experience to change – change with Conservative means. No change. Spare change’. Society needed to be repaired and he was the glue which could repair our country. The Conservatives were for the NHS. Honest. And they were willing to sign up to ‘social justice’ for short term electoral advantage, although they would be removing human rights pretty sharpish. Green stuff, too, was, you know, kind of important.

He ended by announcing that the opportunity was there and he was responsible for that opportunity to change experiences. The financial crisis was an important opportunity to enact responsible change and change responsibility for opportunities. He was determined to take this opportunity to make change responsibly and his experience of changing the Conservative Party was the opportunity the British people could see that he had taken. He was, above all, opportunistic, he declared.

(The sign language translator sadly died at this point.)

Dave believed that, together, the British people, if determined, could effect responsible change with experience and that, together, they could share the belief to build the dream of better times, responsible times, progressive Conservative times!

The hall erupted - the curry and hedge fund night the previous evening had been a roaring success. Dave strode off, looking every inch the salesman he was.