TO THE BARRICADES – SAVE OUR PIES!

It takes a lot to raise me from my relaxed torpor – miserable atheists seeking to bring everyone down to their level of ennui and lack of inspiration often manage to do it for me - but a new threat has emerged to a national institution which cannot be ignored. According to the Grauniad the government is planning to reduce the pastry in pies to make them healthier.

Excuse me?

I love pies. Meat pies, fruit pies, any pies. Mince pies, beef in ale pies, steak pies, pork and apple pies, Cornish pasties – all gloriously gorgeous. I went to university in Stoke on Trent and was delighted when I arrived to find that they had pie shops on every street. And they were good ones too. As a southerner I will happily admit that the best pies come from the north.

Specifically, Trotters Family Bakers on the High Street in Seahouses, Northumberland makes pies that almost bring tears to your eyes they are so delicious. This fine establishment also makes the best bread buns on the planet.

Pies are part of our culture, like beer and queuing.

I fully support many of the government’s initiatives on healthier living but this is just plain daft. It is not pies that make people unhealthy, it is too many pies. Just as it is not chocolate and fizzy drinks which make children fat, it is sitting on their arses all day playing computer games.

So Gordon, Harriet, Alastair, Yvette, Ed, the Milispoons Brothers, the lot of you: step away from the pies and go and ruin something else.