HERE COMES THE GENERAL

Oh dear, it seems the Good Ship Gordon Brown is holed below the waterline. The echoes of the last days of John Major are there for all to see as the self-serving and utterly venal Parliamentary Labour Party eats itself. Why are politicians so stupid that they periodically destroy themselves collectively?

Now I despair of this Labour government as much as the next person but I'm not sure I want the General Election just now. I fear a Tory government even more than a useless Labour rump. Unfortunately I give Gordon until Monday, then things must kick off. He'll either have to not lose big in the Council and Euro elections or do something incredible at PMQs on Wednesday. Otherwise he surely must be gone by Thursday at the latest.

Then either Alan 'I slept on my face again' Johnson or (Heaven help us) Harriet Harperson will have to decide whether to tough it out until next April or to commit Hara Kiri.

Either way it seems the wrong time for all this upheaval. Dave has not been found out yet and this really can't wait until the feared day when he enters Downing Street.

I shall go out and buy a large truck and - Chris Eubank style- I shall drive around the country shouting 'The Tories are pygmies! The Tories are pygmies!' That should do it...