NATIONAL EXPRESS BLEATS ABOUT SCREWING UP THE RAILWAYS - A NATION YAWNS

So National Express is bleating that it is not making money on its East Coast Main Line rail franchise and that it actually loses money on its onboard catering. I’m a big fan of comedian Karen Taylor and I think her comments best sum my response up.

So to paraphrase her, what National Express is saying is that they were happy to take on this rail franchise in a time of plenty but as soon as the recession comes along, they realise they won’t make quite as much money.

What I’m hearing is ‘Nyah nyah nyah, we’re not making squillions any more. Nyah nyah nyah, we can’t screw the passengers any more. Nyah nyah nyah, we won’t have unbelievable bonuses this year. Nyah nyah nyah, the craven useless government might actually recognise that the railways need to be run publicly as they can be regarded as a general ‘good’ for society and take it away from us.’

The bare-faced cheek of these comments leaves me breathless with indignation. If National Express can’t run a train line, why don’t they just hand it back and go away. If on board catering does not pay, any sensible company would simply get rid of. But in the wacky world of the privatised rail network the company concerned simply goes to the government to ask for money to help. If it’s going to be a private business, they should run it as such.

We must never forget who privatised the railways. I wonder what the Tories would do if they managed to scurry back into power.

That’s right. Nothing.

TO THE BARRICADES – SAVE OUR PIES!

It takes a lot to raise me from my relaxed torpor – miserable atheists seeking to bring everyone down to their level of ennui and lack of inspiration often manage to do it for me - but a new threat has emerged to a national institution which cannot be ignored. According to the Grauniad the government is planning to reduce the pastry in pies to make them healthier.

Excuse me?

I love pies. Meat pies, fruit pies, any pies. Mince pies, beef in ale pies, steak pies, pork and apple pies, Cornish pasties – all gloriously gorgeous. I went to university in Stoke on Trent and was delighted when I arrived to find that they had pie shops on every street. And they were good ones too. As a southerner I will happily admit that the best pies come from the north.

Specifically, Trotters Family Bakers on the High Street in Seahouses, Northumberland makes pies that almost bring tears to your eyes they are so delicious. This fine establishment also makes the best bread buns on the planet.

Pies are part of our culture, like beer and queuing.

I fully support many of the government’s initiatives on healthier living but this is just plain daft. It is not pies that make people unhealthy, it is too many pies. Just as it is not chocolate and fizzy drinks which make children fat, it is sitting on their arses all day playing computer games.

So Gordon, Harriet, Alastair, Yvette, Ed, the Milispoons Brothers, the lot of you: step away from the pies and go and ruin something else.

AL QAEDA - ETON. IT’S ALL THE SAME.

So Dave’s party has finally got a big idea: more Borises in major cities around the country, inclouding Newcastle and Bradford. Well, permission to shout ‘hurrah’ in a very loud and annoying voice!

After all, Boris is busy screwing London with his peculiar brand of populist, do nothing nonsense. Why should other cities, especially those in the north where the Tories are sooo popular, be exempt from having an overeducated, Latin-burbling knuckle-headed lothario fritter their money away on schemes such as a bus which doesn’t exist, more cycle accidents per capita, a limit on the congestion charge so he can pop over to his mistress without paying it, political intereference with the local police and a welcome return to the kind of weekly scandals with advisers the Tories used to call their own.

If Dave seriously believes this is a good idea he really has no idea and he should not be given the chance to run the country. Given the havoc being wreaked by Boris in London, just imagine what the consequences of a takeover of the whole country by Dave, ‘Oik’ Osborne and ‘Idiotic Buffoon’ Johnson would be?

In order to address this threat to our culture, I think we should have a new party policy to close down Eton as it is clearly a breeding ground for dangerous extremists who spout all sorts of nonsense and seek to impose their peculiar world view on our society. We could ‘render’ the leaders of this sect to somewhere like Mustique, to live out their days in secure centres wearing only blue jumpsuits, away from the real world they seek to destroy. They could be given a copy of the Bible – in its original Greek of course [pedants, lets not get into a debate about the New and Old Testaments…] – and the Daily Mail, which they could read in open cells, to be let out once a year on Trafalgar Day for a G&T and a whinge about the dangers of Communism, before being escorted back for another 364 days of horsey braying or nasal whining about poor people and the famous ‘broken society’.

Let’s act now to stop this infamy which is going ahead unchallenged just a few miles from London: we must ban Eton.

C'MON, CHRIS'LL TAKE THE LOT OF YOUSE ON!

Right, time to stick up for Chris Huhne, who is being ludicrously pilloried by LD bloggers for getting us publicity. ‘Scuse me?!

First he is an extremely capable politician with more political nous in his little finger than Jacqui Smith or whoever the Tory Home Affairs nonentity is.

Second he has more awareness of what buttons to push for publicity than most of our people. Which is better for our party: a harmonica playing relationship with a cheeky girl or ten minutes on the Today programme?

Third, [and only slightly contradicting what I said above...] no publicity is bad publicity. Chris Huhne was on the Today programme speaking to 7m people. Please, someone, tell me in all honesty that we as a third party should turn down such opportunities.

Fourth, he was speaking against an anti-Islamic politician. Once again, please anyone tell me how this is bad for a LD politician when we achieved our best election result in over 90 years precisely because we stood up for an Islamic – and Christian and humanitarian and international legal - cause, namely opposing the illegal Iraq War. We have never been so popular and we have never moved so deeply into traditional Labour territory among the muslim community.

Fifth, Joe Public doesn’t give two hoots about Voltaire or any other philosophical debate about freedom. Yes we stand for freedom perhaps above all else – and I support that wholeheartedly - but I also support ‘realpolitik’ as, thankfully, does Chris Huhne. We seek to get our representatives elected in a multi-racial society which, though one of the most integrated and settled in the world, nevertheless needs to be carefully watched to ensure we don’t go all Balkan or French without realising.

Now, can I suggest a reality check and a bit more support for Chris Huhne – who’s in the news representing us, guys!

THE DAY DAB DIED

I have been a zealous radio listener since childhood, probably because my brother works for a radio station and I have followed his career accordingly. For this reason, when DAB came along I rushed out and bought a range of DAB radios which have generally offered more choice in this corner of Oxfordshire but which have also been somewhat of a disappointment as the myriad new radio stations close or retrench to London and other more heavily populated areas.

This morning we got caught out as the weather descended and, predictably, England ground to a halt as the light dusting of snow caused chaos. I imagine comedy channels in Sweden run our news programmes on a reel. I wanted to tune into the local radio station to hear about transport, school closures and the usual nonsense closures of everything else from the mobile library to day centres. Well, I could hear about Wiltshire, I could hear about Swindon. Or I could hear about the midlands. But any sign of local radio for Oxfordshire was sadly lacking.

We therefore had to walk around with the tiny bathroom radio which still picks up FM while all the DAB radios were switched

So much for the brave new world of DAB. I do hope the government reflects on such events when looking to force us all into the shiny new digital age. BBC local radio is generally pants but it exists for days like these. It would just be nice to be able to hear it.

Today I shall be logging on to buy a good old fashioned radio and the DABs can go in the drawer in anticipation of the future golden age of choice which we are continuously promised.