YOU'VE SCOT TO BE HAVING A LAUGH

The BBC announces today that 58% of Scots want a referendum on independence but a majority favour the union. That's an interesting outcome which I doubt the nationalists would welcome but, as most nationalist imbeciles tend eventually to find to their cost, people really aren't as stupid as they would like.

Let's hope the SNP have their referendum in 2010. I would still like to see a British referendum on Scottish independence as I'd say it's not a decision for the Scots alone. The result, divided between the nations and aggregated, would, I think, be quite a surprise, particularly for the SNP.

I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A FOLLOW ON

I haven't managed to catch this evening's 'I'm Sorry...' just yet but I heard a few moments at the end. I have listened to Stephen Fry's attempts at chairing over the past two weeks. It's all good and entertaining and the usual things are there - plus the glittering Victoria Wood - but somehow its not quite right. Strangely enough, listening to a snippet of Jack Dee this evening nailed it for me.

Now I like Jack Dee and it is of course the law that Stephen Fry must be regarded as a 'national treasure' but the problem is that they are doing stuff designed for Humph. That's not sensible. Both ae perfectly capable of projecting their own personas and they should be allowed to do this, not try to recreate what has gone before.

So, retire Samantha and Sven, lose the double entendres, bring in some new games such as might suit the new quizmasters and move this brilliant programme on, rather than wallowing in rather too much self-pity over the sorry demise of Humph.

The most glaring example of this was following the loss of Willie Rushton when new comedians were brought in. Jeremy Hardy didn't try to do a 'Willie'. He was Jeremy Hardy and now he's one of the regular highlights. In the words of Mr Punch: that's the way to do it!

Or, as Humph might have said of Samantha, she's been doing the same old things with five old men for over 30 years so it about time she turned over and tried out a few new openings.

THRILLER - OR SAME OLD INTERNET BRED HOKUM?

Blimey, you don't even have to be cold before the conspiracy theories begin. Where was the Duke of Edinburgh yesterday, that's what I want to know...And what does Mohammed Fayed think?

It's all to do with the government. And the aliens, of course.

GOD SAVE THE BBC, LONG LIVE THE BBC...

I must stop listening to the Today programme as it does not seem to have improved one iota. After the Jackson interviews Sue MacGregor interviewed Mark Thompson, the BBC's DG, about expenses at the Beeb. She grilled him and she attacked him and all over very little. Apparently he claimed 23p for parking. His driver also claimed for the congestion charge.

Well, whooooo, call in the Fraud Squad.

Now it is clear the BBC is not thriving at the moment and I'd like to ask the management some hard-hitting questions, primarily about the potty obsession with text messaging, feedback and generally allowing inane viewers to spoil perfectly decent programmes (I can say this as I am one of them) but the expenses for senior directors of this huge corporation are not exactly criminal. I don't supose any of us want to see these expenses and flowers for the idiotic Jonathan Ross are beyond the pale but as a percentage of the BBC's outlay this is small beer.

Far more important would be for an inquiry into whether Ross is worth £6m a year to spout bollocks and perv over any woman under 90 on primetime TV. Now that's a waste of money. Perhaps if Mark Thompson retired Ross to talk radio he could look McGhastly straight in the eye and tell her to stick her pointless Today interview values where they belong and leave him to try to rescue the floundering BBC.

And another thing: Fern Cotton. No. Just no. Far more important to send her to work in Top Shop than to worry about buying cakes on expenses. You'd save a lot more and the national rejoicing would last for days.

What are your thoughts on that? Text me on 84756 or you can visit the website at www.mindlessravings.com/what-is-the-point-of-all-this-electronic-hot-air?/bugger-all. Now its over to Fern Cotton to generally annoy everyone on planet Earth.

MICHAEL JACKSON (AND A FREE CHANCE TO HAVE A GO AT THE TODAY PROGRAMME...)

Michael Jackson's death is a sad occasion. I was no fan but much of his music was the finest pop music created and he deserves due credit for his considerable achievements. Given the range of music he created it is even possible to forgive the terrible later 'let me save you all' albums. He seems to have had a troubled life, which tends to make someone's death more poignant.

Even the Today programme paid due respects, with Rambling Jim Naughtie experiencing an amazing epiphany during his interviews with various people. He started as the usual cantankerous, argumentative idiot, constantly interrupting - never listening - but gradually, perhaps as he realised how little he knew about this subject, he shut up and let his subjects talk. Oh if only he would go away and reflect on this simple fact: that people would rather hear his interviewers than his 5 minute questions which are invariably a hymn to subclauses and old German grammar (niche joke, this one).

One key point needs to be clarified: Rambling Jim declared in his usual hubristic way that Jackson 'invented the music video'. He didn't: he developed the video into a supreme form of expression but he didn't invent it. Credit for this usually goes to Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody.

Rest in pieces.

THE TORY AUGEAN STABLES DON'T SMELL! OH NO NO NO NO!

'Tories to publish expenses review' puffs the BBC and today the Tories will open up their nest of vipers to scrutiny.

Or will they? And will they actually de-select any Tory MPs or will they simply have a 'quiet word'. This is one area where Labour has trumped the Tories, by making a few of their lesser MPs scapegoats they have appeared to be doing something and they have managed to cling on to more senior transgressors.

This may be the best mirror to hold up to the Tories - how they deal with themselves. If their 'review' turns out to be a Dave-esque written version of a fireside chat with no sanctions for anyone that seems like a pretty good pointer to a possible future Eton-led government. So abandon hope all you advocates of change, the appropriately named Conservatives are back in town.

NB: for those of you of a pedantic bent I am aware that the Tory party does not formally exist and that all local parties are bizarrely independent of the centre but it would be highly unlikely for the good members of Rotten-in-the-Core to go against the pronouncements of their leader at Westminster and not de-select one of their more badly behaved MPs. I suppose the problem for the Tories would be where it would end...

UPDATE
Bingo. Those plucky Tories have done nothing beyond forcing their rich chums to pay back a few quid, about what William Hague will get for his next book deal.

Your Conservative party - cleaning up politics!

PMQs - HERE COME THE WEASELS

Well, it will no doubt be unfashionable to say so but I thought Mr Speaker Toad acquitted himself admirably today. He was clear, commanding and - crucially - he directed most of his criticisms at the mindless baying public school benches of the Tories. More of the same might make him popular enough to actually do something to change this charade for the better.

As for Dave, he just can't land a blow. He had an open goal today (to mix metaphors furiously) but he simply parroted his attack and Gordon parroted his response. A great day for incisive debate then as two suited schoolboys shouted abuse at each other.

Its such a shame to hear our MPs get up and ask sensible, measured questions. They just don't get the way the House works. I mean, they expect answers, which is just plain daft. We need conference training on making that ghastly 'ooouuurrrrr' sound favoured by the Tories, a session on looking unconscionably smug, a session on making a fatuous, pointless dig disguised as a question and a session explaining why on earth this half hour each week is of any value whatsoever. Nickers suffers from 'sensiblitis' as well. He tried to make a dig but he just sounds too reasonable.

Blackadder may have the answer. If you recall in the Georgian series the Prince was given training in speaking by two actors and he was told to stand like a prat, make a roaring sound and generally shout like a buffoon. When satire comes this close to the truth it kind of becomes tragic...

QUICK, LET'S ALL CLAIM ANDY MURRAY FOR OURSELVES!

There was a hideous little piece on the Today programme this morning when Rambling Jim Naughtie introduced A.L.Kennedy (who she, thought I)to talk about Andy Murray.

Andy Murray is Scottish, so is Rambling Jim and so, apparently, is this A.L. Kennedy. Cue a self-reverential piece about how if Andy Murray does well in the first week he will be Scottish (titter) but if he does well in the second week he will be English (titter, titter). If he wins he will become British. Hoorah and more knowing tittering.

What a bag of tartan turds this whole theory is.

Andy Murray is Scottish. He is also British. He will never be English. However, I couldn't give two hoots where he's from. I hope Andy Murray does really well. I hope he wins and if he does I will cheer as loudly as anyone and celebrate his outstanding achievement, which he will richly deserve. I will then boo louder than most when every Scottish rent-a-quote (you can see Alex Salmond's grin from space, you know) tries to hijack his success for their petty national pride.

Put plainly, why can't Andy Murray be both Scottish AND British? Why can't he be equally proud of both? And why can't he represent both identities in his sport? Or was Lewis Hamilton's success last year an 'English' success?

There has been talk of a 'Scottish Six' o'Clock news for years. I wonder if we might get a British Today programme any time soon, one which casts aside national sniping in the interests of actually reporting some news. Some dream...

SATIRISTS: TO THE CHAMPAGNE!

I don't wish to be churlish and I have absolutely no axe to grind with the Speaker-elect but the picture of him on the BBC website is so reminiscent of the character invented by Kenneth Grahame that it would be wrong - simply wrong - not to refer to him as Mr Toad.

So we've gone from 'Udder, udder' to 'Poop Poop' which, in the circumstances, seems quite appropriate.

Best of all, Margaret a-Beckett and Ann Widdespoons did not win. That's not sexism, by the way, that's a heartfelt sigh of relief.

I look forward to the next Private Eye, which very recently explained how Mr Toad has been cosying up nicely to the Labour government, apparently in search of a job. It seem therefore that the establishment candidate won after all. Good old New Labour.

Perhaps the best bit is the BBC's explanation about what happens next. Apparently, in the modern era of modernisation and modern stuff the way it works is thus:

-The fiercely independent House first seeks approval from the Queen
-There then follows an "approbation" ceremony - the process of formal Royal approval, which is expected to start at 10pm at which a bunch of unelected Privy Counsellors decide if Mr Toad can be Speaker.
-Then porn star Black Rod will then walk from the Lords to the Commons and knock on the door
-A few minutes later Mr Toad, followed by MPs, will head to the unelected Lords chamber for the ceremony which will appoint him as the official Speaker.

Now don't get me wrong, if all this nonsense sells a few more knick-knacks to the tourists its probably been worth it but you have to ask if it befits a supposedly modernising democracy.

What's the betting the year will pass, the election will come and nothing will have changed. Seriously, would you even get Evens on that?

PARMJIT DHANDA DOES WELL BUT MISSES THE POINT AGAIN

Nice to hear Parmjit Dhanda, who is a genuinely novel voice in the Speaker election. He speaks with passion and conviction but his ideas just won't wash. He has proposed allowing voters to suggest subjects for debate using Facebook and Twitter. So that's the House meeting under his Speakership to consider repatriation for Asians. I'm not sure that's what he has got in mind but that's what would happen. There are too many groups out there with the wherewithal to hijack the issue. How long would it be before we had the 'Bono Debate on Global Poverty' as one of the World's richest pop stars takes over our Parliament using his media profile?

He also says we must move around the country. Hmm, great idea, 'cause that works really well for the European Union, doesn't it? And the recent Cabinet meetings around the country have been crackerjack successes, haven't they?

Its a shame because he was the first speaker to make me really listen but he's just a bit too 'student union' at the moment. Still, he clearly has much potential.

PLEASE, NO MORE HUBRIS!

Listening to the speeches of the hopefuls for Speaker what is interesting is how seriously they take themselves, how deeply they feel the hurt their constituents have experienced, how committed they all are to reforming the House and how they plan to walk barefoot to Canterbury.

This may be the clearest pointer to the very heart of the matter. The absolute bottom line is that the overwhelming majority of people don't give two hoots about how the House works, merely that it works. Similarly, I would suggest that most people don't actually think that buying a duck island is an attack on our democracy and a threat to [insert number here according to your understanding of constitutional history] hundred years of tradition but they do see the expenses farrago (love that word!) as a chance to give those better off than them a good verbal kicking.

It might serve our MPs well to worry a little less about their image and how people perceive them - and thus to stop the faux sackcloth and ashes approach to politics - and instead focus a lot more on how they get their work done and how much work they do, plain and simple.

I am in the 'anyone but Margaret Beckett' lobby!

Profuse apologies but recent amusing stories about Kirk Douglas led me to this pointless posting on the back of the recent one by 'Mark Reckons' on the Lib Dem blogs aggregator.

MARGARET BECKETT: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Time to pray: 'please God, don't let Margaret Beckett anywhere near the Speaker's Chair. She is arrogant, conservative and about as likely to do anything to change the practices of the House of Commons as I am to win Wimbledon.'

So here's a test Richard Dawkins could be proud of in his pseudo-scientific way. If Madge fails to get elected there must be a God. If she is elected, we are but specks of electricity in an otherwise empty universe...

Which would be kind of appropriate if such a ghastly person could get preferred over the eminently able Alan Beith.

IRAN-T

The situation in Iran is clearly very serious and tense and we must watch developments there with concern. As a student of international politics I am always fascinated by Iran and often frustrated that this potentially powerful country doesn't make more of itself. How can it with a populist clown as its President and half its population struggling to make ends meet while he postures with nuclear weapons?

The trouble is that I am always faced with a titanic struggle, when watching, hearing or reading reports on that country, to put Pamela Stephenson out of my mind. "Ayatollah, Khomenei closer and I will rush into your arms." This of course works even better with the newest member of the theocracy there.

However bad the world gets, satire always has the power to pull us through.

NB: if anyone responds asking how I would like it if they took the mickey out of the Archbishop of Canterbury, Prime Minister or some other English luminary, the answer is 'bring it on', just make it funny.

BLIMEY, BROWN MIGHT JUST BOUNCE

So Gordon Brown has:

-held a confidential 'star chamber' within the Labour Party which has seen several Labour MPs barred from re-standing. David Cameron has said much, with his trademark furrowed brow and cross voice but he has done very little by way of disciplining his MPs, who make up the great majority of miscreants in the whole expenses farrago.

[Can we pause a moment to enjoy the word 'farrago'? I'm quite pleased with that. 'Farrago'.]

-hinted at electoral reform, thus warming the hearts of Lib Dem inclined voters. Now most of us would rather sleep with a rattlesnake than trust Gordon Brown but it is a very apparent 'feeler' from Brown, as noted by the reliable Andrew Grice in the Independent last Saturday. The Tories have hummed and hawed and basically defended the status quo.

-suggested that reform of the House of Lords might actually happen after 12 years of broken promises. I can't see John Tory supporting any meaningful reform of the Lords.

-done something to address the economic crisis. It may not be perfect, it may have been pisspoor, it may not work but it compares favourably with the only Tory pledges, which amount to austerity, swingeing cuts and tax breaks for the wealthiest in the land.

-slung out the Speaker unceremoniously and is no doubt plotting to get his preferred candidate in. What's the betting the Tories squeal, whoever gets it.

I've been happy to condemn him all along but it seems Brown might just be playing the long game and assembling an array of initiatives and attacks on the Tories which, if unlikely to deliver outright victory, might just keep it from the clutches of Dave and his delightful cohorts who, even as we sit back and enjoy the bunfight, are reverting to type.

The £64,000 expenses claim for a floating duck island remains where this leaves us? It seems to me, as it has all along, that the best attack remains on the Tories. Labour are going to suffer next year - which now seems the most likely option - and simply not being Labour will gain us support whatever Brown does, so our best chance of advancement is surely by playing up our ability to actually think a little and promise something new, as opposed to Cameron's carefully thought through - and clever, as far as it goes - strategy of (i) not upsetting the horses (ii) not committing to anything much (iii) er (iv) that's it...

It's nice that politics has got interesting again.

HELP THE HOMELESS

A brilliant suggestion has been made to solve the problems of MPs' second homes. I think it came from someone reading the BBC website.

The Olympic village will have no purpose after the 2012 Olympics and the drive to persuade someone to take them on as social housing units is faltering. The answer is therefore blindingly obvious: some of these complexes should be dedicated to housing MPs and possibly even providing for their often abysmally paid staff. Transport links could be improved to get them to Parliament.

If any MP demurs, let them buy their own second home using their own money. The choice is as simple as Neil Hamilton.

NICE ONE ON NUCLEAR, NICKERS

Nickers seems to have hit the bullseye with his handbrake turn on Trident. In Oxfordshire we were hit rather hard by the Green vote locally, riding on the back of their success in the Euros. Nickers' decision to make nuclear weapons an issue could be just the headline we need to draw some of those votes over to us. It might also draw out some reluctant Labour voters from their Brown-induced torpor and deliver us support from that direction.

Nickers suffers from a lack of a 'usp' but he is right on the nail with his ideas and strategy. My suggestion is that he should be caught in a three-in-a-bed romp or related scandal - preferably with the Female officer of a nuclear sub. Then he'll be in all the papers, all the men will be thinking 'good on you' - depending on the lucky lady concerned - and women across the land will swoon, imagining that they might catch his eye in future.

Or have I gone too far yet again?

PLEASE LET IT BE TRUE!

Heard on the radio the other day. Apparently Kirk Douglas's son was a stand up comedian and the story goes that he was in London and not performing very well on stage at a comedy club. He got increasingly angry at the audience's reaction and finally he snapped.

"Don't you know who I am?! I'm Kirk Douglas's son!" he declared angrily. At which point a member of the audience got up and declared: "I'm Kirk Douglas's son!" A third person rose and announced: "I'm Kirk Douglas's son!" until the whole room was in uproar as they collectively declared themselves to be Kirk Douglas's son.

WHAT REALLY MATTERS

Driving home from the count, I was feeing pretty down when, on the other carriageway I passed the cortege carrying the remains of four British servicemen killed abroad and flown home to Brize Norton, their coffins draped in the Union Flag. That was a touching sight and it brought my own petty reflections into very sharp relief.

OH WELL, THERE'S ALWAYS NEXT TIME...

So - horror of horrors - I lost and I lost pretty comprehensively. In fact the LDs got a bit of a kicking across this county as the Greens stole votes from us across the board. If it wasn't for the Green votes we would have won a number of extra seats. I hope every Green voter is reflecting on the fact that their hubris has served only the Tories - and the Tories really care about the environment. After all, Dave flew to the Arctic to prove it, didn't he? [WILL THIS DO? Ed.]

In the plus column, I have learned a huge amount, from canvassing to wholesaling and delivery networks in general. I have some pretty strong views on what we did wrong in the areas I was involved in which I hope to raise with the powers that be in coming days. I have also gained immense respect for the numerous people who gave everything, regrettably for little return this time around. It is heartening to be surrounded by people who really give a damn.

I have come to the conclusion that all political careers should start with failure, to dampen all future expectations. The best thing is when you see those Tories celebrating - is there a more odious sight than a happy Tory? - it really does sicken you and steel you to give it back twice over the next time.

BRISTOL SAVES THE DAY!

So I came home at 2am this morning rather dismayed at the Tories apparently sweeping all before them in my area - whats a guy got to do to persuade people to not behave like sheep..? I woke up this morning feeling rather dismayed generally and my wife said 'Would it help that the LDs won Bristol?'

Well, yes it did, so well done everyone involved in the Bristol campaign. That's the good thing about being a LD - whatever your local result, someone somewhere is winning a hard won victory, often after years of slog.

HERE COMES THE GENERAL

Oh dear, it seems the Good Ship Gordon Brown is holed below the waterline. The echoes of the last days of John Major are there for all to see as the self-serving and utterly venal Parliamentary Labour Party eats itself. Why are politicians so stupid that they periodically destroy themselves collectively?

Now I despair of this Labour government as much as the next person but I'm not sure I want the General Election just now. I fear a Tory government even more than a useless Labour rump. Unfortunately I give Gordon until Monday, then things must kick off. He'll either have to not lose big in the Council and Euro elections or do something incredible at PMQs on Wednesday. Otherwise he surely must be gone by Thursday at the latest.

Then either Alan 'I slept on my face again' Johnson or (Heaven help us) Harriet Harperson will have to decide whether to tough it out until next April or to commit Hara Kiri.

Either way it seems the wrong time for all this upheaval. Dave has not been found out yet and this really can't wait until the feared day when he enters Downing Street.

I shall go out and buy a large truck and - Chris Eubank style- I shall drive around the country shouting 'The Tories are pygmies! The Tories are pygmies!' That should do it...

OOOOOOOH, ME FEET!

Well, that's it all over bar the voting. I realise that seasoned campaigners will be astounded to think that I am not out there at the moment but after the last few weeks I can barely move. Knocking up will begin later and I am steeling myself for that.

My constituency is not very active so I am pleased that we managed to get out three communications in my division and one in my home division - something my local LD MP was very unhappy about as neither were target seats. That's all well and good but every local party has to start somewhere.

Now all I want is one night's sleep. Just one.