TIRED POLITICAL COMEDY WINS YET MORE AWARDS

"And the 'More Front Than Blackpool' award goes to [opens envelope] David Cameron! Dave wins this award for attempting to deflect responsibility for the expenses scandal away from the party that invented modern sleaze to the late challengers, New Labour. Dave has rightly pointed to the rank stench of the Labour Party but sadly he was unable to hide the odour of the rotting pile of limbs and fading grandees covered in a dusting of earth beneath the hastily erected green-tinged patio that is the modern Conservative Party.

[Presenter puts his hand to his ear] "Well, sadly David can't be here to accept the award as he is tied up with clearing out the Tories' own Augean Stables. He said [chuckles] that if he sees another duck house or has to account for another moat cleaning bill for one of his MPs [audience laughter] he will go crazy [applause]. So here to accept the award on his behalf is Lord Ashcroft! [Applause]. [Presenter puts hand to ear once more] No, No, Ladies and Gentlemen, sadly Lord Ashcroft isn't able to make it either as he is apparently stuck on important business in Belize. He says he will return to the UK soon but he can't say precisely when. He has asked us all to bend over and relax while he suns himself in the Caribbean [Audience laughter and applause]. What a guy! He has sent us a cheque which he says he hopes will cover the cost of the award, although he wants to be sure there will be no European winners! [Applause]. What a guy!

"So we'll just hold on to that award until someone is able to collect it. Now the 'Black is White' award for the best reverse ferret of the year. And the nominees are Gordon Brown for his conversion to electoral reform and David Cameron for, well, the Conservative Party. And the winner is..."[for reasons of taste we shall leave it here]